05 Aug FIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Rav Pam (Ateres

Avraham, Chayei Sar-
ah) quotes Rabbeinu

Bachya, who instructs
us that when looking
for a spouse we should

not place an overem-
phasis on looks, money or yichus, but rath-
er the bulk of the attention should be on

middos, the person’s character. The metric
Eliezer used to find the proper mate for
Yitzchak and the next worthy matriarch of
our people was not dress size, SAT score,
or net worth, rather it was someone who
intuitively acted with kindness, displayed
innate compassion, and gave selflessly.
Sadly, the bulk of the typical “shidduch
resume” today, as well as the pervasive
theme of the questions I entertain when
someone is looking into another person,

revolves around education and experienc-
es, facts and data regarding family, but lit-
tle about character and traits. This is obvi-
ously concerning, since it is character and

virtues that will inform the compatibility
of the couple and determine the success of

the marriage. I am not minimizing the sig-
nificance of some of these questions.

However, the disproportionate attention

given to, and impact of, what should be
secondary issues, and the neglect of the
primary questions, is no doubt contributing
not only to the disillusionment with the

shidduch process, but the growing inci-
dence of conflict in marriage and divorce.

A resume and the research process can
help decide if a date is worthwhile, but
evaluating marriage is much more difficult
and will never come as the result of things
written on a piece of paper. It is the result

of shared experiences, critical conversa-
tions, and learning crucial things about one

another’s background, expectations and
predilections. Someone who dated for a
fairly long period of time before getting
married recently shared with me that now
that he has been married for a few years, he
thinks back to some of the things that he
thought were big issues, and realizes that
in truth they are inconsequential.
By the same token, there are many things

he now sees as fundamental factors in mar-
riage that he didn’t even consider or think

about when identifying what was import-
ant to him in a spouse. So what are the crit-
ical things to look for in dating to deter-
mine if someone is suitable for marriage?

What are the things we should be encour-
aging families to focus on when en-
tering the shidduch process? Drs.

John and Julie Gottman have been

scientifically studying healthy rela-
tionships for four decades and have

emerged as authorities on the factors

that contribute to a successful mar-
riage to the point that they can predict

with greater than 90% accuracy if a

couple they observe will still be mar-
ried in five years.

Their research shows that Eliezer
was on to something. Kindness is not

only an admirable trait regarding the treat-
ment of others, but it glues couples togeth-
er. In fact, it is the most important predic-
tor of satisfaction and stability in a

marriage. Kindness makes each partner
feel cared for, understood, and validated,

all which combine to feeling loved. Kind-
ness is not only practiced during good

times, but happy marriages practice kind-
ness even in the way a couple fights by

making sure that communication never in-
cludes condescension, aggression, or

name-calling and focuses only on the issue
that needs to be resolved. Kindness and
compassion are indispensable in marriage
and should be qualities we are unwilling to
compromise on for ourselves or our
children. But there are other factors
which can make or break a marriage
and while some answers to questions

are not objectively right or wrong, dis-
cussing them and understanding the

different approaches to them, will go a
long way to make a happy marriage.

Here are five examples of conversa-
tions that I submit should take place

over the course of dating and courtship
and even within marriage itself, if they
didn’t occur sooner:
How did your family fight?

Disagreements are inevitable in mar-
riage. How those differences are navi-
gated is the driver of the success of the

marriage. Did your family put things
on the table, have it out, did they sweep

them under the carpet, or did they si-
lently shut down when issues arose?

Affection
Did your family prioritize and show
verbal and physical affection with one

another or was it assumed and not ex-
pressly provided? How often do your

family members say “I love you” or
offer praise?
Articulated Roles

Do you have a more traditional out-
look on gender roles and responsibili-
ties regarding children, income and

caring for the house, or is there an ex-
pectation of sharing all responsibilities

equally?
Money
Did your family spend money freely or
are they more calculated and frugal? Do
you like high end brand name clothing,
furniture and cars or are you satisfied with
inexpensive or generic alternatives?
Transparency

How do you feel about privacy and per-
sonal space within marriage? Do you ex-
pect to have access to all of my passwords,

accounts and spend most free time together
or do you prefer having personal space and
sometimes doing things apart?
Again, in large part there are no right or
wrong answers to these five questions and
they are certainly not a comprehensive list
of the type of issues that truly make or
break a marriage. Nevertheless, they are a
sample of the types of ways I believe we

should be thinking about evaluating a pro-
spective mate and focusing on the critical

things in marriage.
Gottman’s research has shown that 69%
of relationship conflict is about perpetual
problems. All couples have them – the

problems that are grounded in the funda-
mental differences that any two people

face. They are the issues that create the
fights that happen over and over again with
both sides thinking this will be the time I
convince the other that my way is right,
though it never happens. Gottman says

that with every fight there was a conversa-
tion that needed to take place, but a fight

happened instead. Rather than revisit the

same fights over and over, we can elimi-
nate almost 70% of the conflict in mar-
riage, by simply identifying our fundamen-
tal differences and devising a strategy of

how we will navigate them with the spirit
of compromise and partnership.
R’ Chaim Vital (quoted in R’ Shlomo
Wolbe’s Kuntrus Hadracha L’chasanim)

said: “A person’s character traits are pri-
marily measured based upon how they are

to their spouse.” If we learn to ask the
right questions and emphasize the most
important things, perhaps we can improve
the process of finding a mate, as well as the
health of our marriages themselves.