21 Feb GUIDANCE AND GUIDELINES FOR SUPPORTING A GRIEVING FRIEND

Our community is
broken and profoundly
pained by the loss of
our beloved Esti
Moskowitz a”h, a pure
and irreplaceable
neshama. We are all
also desperate to
comfort her special family during this time
of extraordinary loss and pain. Sensitivity
and thoughtfulness are critical. Please
consider these suggestions:
Show Up: Each person that makes an
effort to come to a Shiva home, whether
from near or far, close friends or casual
acquaintances, provides comfort, love and
connection. While we cannot remove or
diminish the pain of this unimaginable loss,
we can make it just a tiny bit lighter by
carrying it together with them, being nosei
b’ol im chaveiro.
Don’t Overstay: Shiva is a comforting
time but also an extremely exhausting one.
Countless people love and want to comfort a
grieving family. Please be mindful to spend
an appropriate amount of time but not to
overstay in a way that makes it difficult for
others to have time to be menachem. Please
respect the shiva hours, no matter how close
you may be with the family.

Silence is Not Awkward: It is incredibly
difficult to know what to say in circumstances
where there is an inexplicable loss. Don’t
feel obligated to speak or to find the perfect
thing to say. Your mere presence at the shiva
and the effort you put into being there offers
more nechama than any words could
communicate.
Refrain from Using Platitudes: In the
absence of clear, helpful things to say, it is
often tempting to share a platitude such as,
“Hashem has His reasons even though it’s
hard to see them,” “He only gives challenges
to people who can handle them,” “Time will
heal,” and many others. While those who
say such things may have the best intentions,
these statements can be hurtful and harmful,
the opposite impact of what we are all trying
to achieve.
Avoid Intrusive Questions or Personal
Experiences: There is never a time,
including and especially during shiva, that it
is appropriate to ask intrusive questions
such as about a medical diagnosis, treatment,
or care. It is also not a time to share stories
about anyone you know, including God
forbid even someone in your family, who
went through a similar circumstance. Allow
the aveilim to direct the conversation and
express what they are comfortable sharing

and focusing on.
Share Stories: While Esti was only nine
years old, she left an indelible impression
and impact on those around her. If you or
your children had personal interactions with
Esti, share those stories and memories with
the family; they are often the greatest source
of comfort.
Coordinated Help: The number of people
who want to provide meals and other forms
of help is incredible and so generous. Rather
than simply dropping off food or gifts,
please coordinate through the shul. Here is
how you can help: We will be arranging
catered lunches and dinners for the family. If
you’d like to contribute towards these meals,
please go to brsonline.org/meals. The
Moskowitz Family will be notified of all
who sign up to contribute towards the meals
and are so grateful.
Comfort In, Dump Out: Susan Silk, a
clinical psychologist, wrote an op-ed for the
LA Times in which she shared her fantastic
“Ring Theory” for helping people in crisis:
“Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it,
put the name of the person at the center of
the current trauma. Now draw a larger circle
around the first one. In that ring put the
name of the person next closest to the
trauma. Repeat the process as many
times as you need to. In each larger ring
put the next closest people. Parents and
children before more distant relatives.
Intimate friends in smaller rings, less
intimate friends in larger ones. When
you are done you have a Kvetching
Order. One of [my] patients found it
useful to tape it to her refrigerator.
Here are the rules. The person in the
center ring can say anything she wants to
anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and
complain and whine and moan and curse
the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and
“Why me?” That’s the one payoff for
being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too,
but only to people in larger rings. When
you are talking to a person in a ring
smaller than yours, someone closer to
the center of the crisis, the goal is to
help. Listening is often more helpful
than talking. But if you’re going to open
your mouth, ask yourself if what you are
about to say is likely to provide comfort
and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it.
Don’t, for example, give advice. People
who are suffering from trauma don’t
need advice. They need comfort and
support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This
must really be hard for you” or “Can I
bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You
should hear what happened to me” or
“Here’s what I would do if I were you.”
And don’t say, “This is really bringing
me down.”

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if
you want to tell someone how shocked you
are or how icky you feel, or whine about
how it reminds you of all the terrible things
that have happened to you lately, that’s fine.
It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to
someone in a bigger ring.
Comfort IN, dump OUT.”
Esti’s loss is unbearably painful for so
many including the community as a whole
who spent over a year davening, learning,
and doing chesed in her merit. Her passing
can raise deep theological questions and
evoke a wave of pain and emotion in us. It is
critical to be mindful of directing our pain
and questions not in, towards the family and
their closest circle, but out towards others
who can comfort us.
Professionals have made themselves
available to our community for support and
comfort, collectively and individually. I
hosted a conversation with Rabbi Dr. David
Fox, Director of Chai Lifeline Trauma and
Crisis Services on the topic of trauma and
loss. You can find it at youtube.com/
rabbiefremgoldberg.
At the moment of crisis, family, friends and
community often rise to the occasion. It is
critical to remember the positive and helpful
role that we can and must play when the
acute phase passes. Shiva and shloshim may
conclude but the pain of the family lasts well
beyond the technical period of mourning. As
the Moskowitz family, both parents and
children, return to their routines, please
make the effort to find the balance between
treating them normally, sensitively, and
giving them space with remembering their
pain and being a comforting presence in
their lives.
Dr. Fox advised that we neither ignore, nor
show excessive pity. We shouldn’t avoid
nor smother. Don’t express greater grief or
agony than the grieving family. Don’t share
how difficult this loss has been for you, how
much pain you have been in or how many
tears you have shed. Welcome them back,
express how much they were missed, and
reflect back the mood they are showing.
May all those who are grieving find
strength and comfort and may we share only
simchas together.