30 Jun HASTE MAKES WASTE

In the fifth Perek of
Pirkei Avos [5:9], we
are introduced to a type
of person described as a
golem. Laterally, this is
a very derogatory word
which means a ‘clod.’
However, I do not believe
this is the intent of the Tanna, the author of
the Mishnah. He contrasts the golem with a
chacham, a wise person, so I think golem in
this context is more accurately defined as an
unfinished person.
In the Tractate of Keilim, there is discussion
about golmei keilim, unfinished utensils.
So too, the golem in Pirkei Avos describes
a person who is rough around the edges;
someone who has not taken the steps to refine
himself. In the olden days, young people
were sent to what were called “finishing
schools,” to become gentlemen and refined
young ladies.
The Mishnah then goes on to describe
seven traits that show that a person is yet an
unfinished product. I want to zoom-in on one
of these traits, which is nivhal l’hashiv, one
who is quick to answer. The underdeveloped
person does not think before answering. He
or she has not cultivated the art of deliberating
before reacting.
There is a fascinating Kli Yakar. He points

out that the term vayorev, to fight, is used
exclusively in topics concerning water. Both
when it says, “Vayorev ha’am im Moshe –
The nation fought with Moshe,” and also in
the episode of maaseh meriva, the trial of
fighting, related to the lack of water. So too,
when Yitzchak fought with the philistines, the
plishtim, it was over be’airos, wells of water.
The Kli Yakar attributes this phenomenon to
the fact that the first ever division was when
Hashem divided the upper waters and the
lower waters on the second day of Creation,
and since that was the first ‘fight,’ it doesn’t
say the word ‘good’ about this day of creation.
While this is a nifty connection by the Kli
Yakar, it doesn’t explain what fighting has to
do with water. I believe the answer is in the
actual nature of water. Water is on the move;
it’s not stable. This is exactly what Yaakov,
on his deathbed, chastised Reuven about.
He told Reuven, “Pachaz kamayim al tosar
– You are hasty like water,” and therefore
you won’t excel. He revealed to him, “Yeser
s’eis v’yeser oz,” as my firstborn, you were
supposed to be the kohein and the king, but
you lost it all because of your impetuousness.
This is the aforementioned characteristic of
the golem, nivhal l’hashiv: he was quick to
answer.
This leads to fights. In Hebrew, a small fight
is known as a riv; a major feud is known as a

m’rivah. What’s the difference in the letters
and the spelling between riv and m’rivah? The
difference is the letter mem at the beginning
and the hei at the end of m’rivah. Mem and
hei spell the word mah, meaning ‘what.’ Mah
has the gematria of 45, the same gematria as
the word adam, man. If you let your ego, your
substance, your ‘mah’ get involved, then it
becomes a conflagration.
There is a famous verse, “Toleh eretz al
blimah.” Literally this points to the miracle
that the earth seems to be suspended in space
upon nothingness. There is no pedestal
and no support underneath it. The Gemara
homiletically offers another interpretation:
The world survives upon those who are,
“Boleim piv b’shas m’rivah,” those who shut
their mouths in the times of quarrel. Thus,
the chacham, the finished person, has learned
from the mistake of Reuven and in a heated
moment restrains himself from responding
rashly.
This is not just a nice trick. The Gemara
says that these people are the pillars of the
world. This skill is considered so essential
that Gemara in Eruvin says, “Mah um’noso
shel adam b’olam hazeh? Ya’aseh atzmo
k’ileim – What’s a person’s profession in
this world? Learn how to make yourself
like a mute.” One must train, sometimes for
years, to have a profession and even more
years to become proficient in it. The Gemara
points out that it’s worthwhile studying for
years to master how to keep your mouth
shut in a time of confrontation. (I want
to clarify that this doesn’t mean that one
should bottle up frustration and never talk
about it because then the result could be
catastrophic. Things would boil up inside
until it explodes like a nuclear bomb.)
Take note that the Mishnah does not say,
“Ein l’hashiv,” do not answer. It says,
“V’eino nivhal l’hashiv – To not be hasty
to answer.” Also, it doesn’t use the more
usual term, “V’eino l’maheir l’hashiv –
Don’t be fast to answer.” Rather, it says,
“V’eino nivhal l’hashiv.” The word nivhal
comes from the word be’hala, chaos, a state
of confusion. Don’t answer when you’re in
emotion mind.
I think we can use the rule I once heard
from the late Telzer Rosh Yeshiva, Rav
Chaim Dov Keller, zt”l, zy”a: If something
will not bother you three hours from now,
then just be quiet and forget about it. If,
however, the issue is of a more lasting
nature, then you must discuss it at a time
when everyone is more level-headed and
not so defensive.
I also want to point out that while the
Gemara touts the gevurah, the inner might
of keeping quiet, there can even be a more
elevated response. If one is capable not to
answer in b’hala, in a frenzied emotion,
one can live up to the level of, “U’lshon
chachamim marpeh – The tongue of the
wise is healing.” Saying something like,
“Right now, I might not be seeing this
clearly,” or, “You know, I can see your

side a little bit as well,” or, even if warranted,
two simple words like, “I’m sorry,” can work
wonders.
It’s also good to remember this sage advice:
“I’d rather be happy than be right.” It is easy
to write these words but implementing them
is one of life’s greatest challenges. Still, it
can literally make the difference between a
harmonious home and a hostile abode.
This is so important that three times a day
at the end of the Shemoneh Esrei, we ask
Hashem for assistance in this very skill. We
pray, “V’limkal’l’ai nafshi sidom, v’nafshi
ke’afor lakol tih’yeh – To those who curse
me (or take me lightly), let me be quiet and
let my soul be like earth to everyone.” This
doesn’t mean that people should treat me like
dirt. Rather, Tosefos explains, ‘If people step
on me, I shouldn’t react: Just like the earth
doesn’t exclaim when people trod upon it.’
(Starting next week! I’d like to share with
my dear readers that my wife, Mrs. Shoshy
Weiss, LCSW-R, is, b’ezras Hashem,
giving a six-week zoom course starting
July 7, 2026, on “IFS for Women.” You are
invited to listen to a pre-recorded message
at 732.661.8280 explaining the course. To
register or find out more, please call or text
845.270.3699, or check out her website at
shoshyweissifstherapist.com.)
In the merit of exercising self-control, may
Hashem bless us with long life, good health,
and everything wonderful.