20 Jun I LOVE YOUR EARRINGS

Several years ago,
on a trip to the
Museum of Natural
History in Manhattan,
my children and I
joined a small tour.
The guide who took
us around patiently gave the background
and offered fascinating insights into all
that we saw. She spoke with great

enthusiasm about historic and pre-
historic times and spoke passionately

about each display.
About fifteen minutes into the tour, my
daughter Atara, four years old at the time,
raised her hand to ask a question. With a
gleam in her eye and a big smile on her
face, eager to interact with a young child
taking an interest in her life’s work, the
guide said, “Absolutely, ask me
anything.” I must admit that I, too, was
very curious what fascinated my little
girl so much and what question she
would ask. My daughter looked up and
said, “I love your earrings, where did you
get them?” I will never forget the feeling
of wanting to be swallowed whole by the

tyrannosaurus rex in the room. While it
wasn’t exactly the question she was
looking for, the guide couldn’t help but
smile from the compliment.
You probably didn’t know it, but March
1st was World Compliment Day. First
initiated in the Netherlands in 2001, this
holiday has gained in popularity and
spread across the world, with people
making a concerted effort to offer
compliments, specifically on that day.
The founder of World Compliment Day
explained why he started it: “Nothing
stimulates more, gives more energy,
makes people happier and, as far as
business is concerned, increases
productivity and commitment faster than
sincere appreciation. So why not use it a
little bit more?”
Giving compliments and offering
positive feedback shouldn’t be reserved
for one day a year and shouldn’t be so
unusual they are cause for a holiday and
celebration. Compliments are a critical
part of life.
The Gemara (Kerisus 6b) tells us that

when the spices of the ketores, first
identified in our Parsha, were being
ground and mixed, someone was

appointed to say “hadeik-heitev, heitev-
hadeik” (grind thoroughly, thoroughly

grind).” The Gemara continues that this
is consistent with the opinion of Rav
Yochanan who said: Just as speech is
detrimental to wine, so too is speech
beneficial for spices.” Based on the
Yerushalmi (Yoma 4:5), we incorporate
this idea into the korbanos we recite
daily: “As one would grind the incense,
he would say: ‘Grind thoroughly,
thoroughly grind’ – because the sound is
beneficial for the spices, mipnei
she’hakol yafeh la’besamim.”
How does a voice impact the grinding
of spices? The Abarbanel explains that
saying these words in this pattern creates
a rhythm which helped the one grinding
and resulted in more finely ground spices.
But there is an alternative explanation
that I find very powerful. When the
Kohen is grinding it can be tedious,
boring, and rote. The Kohen may not
feel like continuing, may not see the
progress or feel what he is doing is
important. Ha’Kol yafe la’besamim,
the voice of the person giving
encouragement, offering a
compliment, lending a positive word
will mean everything to the Kohen
and provide exactly what he needs to
hear to not only keep going, but to
give it his all.
Words of encouragement and
compliments make an enormous
difference. As an article this week in
Harvard Business Review highlights:
Gratitude makes people feel valued,
and positive feedback has been
shown to mitigate the negative effects
of stress on employee performance.
Neuroscientists have even shown that
the brain processes verbal affirmations
similarly to financial rewards.
The research they reference confirms
something we of course intuitively
know: that people enjoy being
complimented and that it brings
benefits. But here is the amazing
thing. Even though we know the
value of complimenting, it turns out
we still often fail to do so. The article
continues:
Who doesn’t like when someone
praises their way of handling a tense
situation at work, their choice of

attire, or their presentation skills? Indeed,
when asked, nearly 90% of people
believe that they should compliment
each other more often. And yet we tend
not to give them in practice. In fact, only
50% of people in one experiment who
wrote down a compliment for a friend
actually sent the compliment along when
given the chance, even though they’d
already done the hardest part — coming
up with something nice and thoughtful to
say. That is, despite the widely shared
desire to give more compliments, when
faced with the decision people still often
forgo low-cost opportunities to make
others feel appreciated and valued.
So why don’t people compliment?
Research suggests it is because we both
doubt our own ability to skillfully and
effectively do so, and we grossly
underestimate the power of our positive
feedback and the impact of our
compliment. We have something that
costs us nothing, that we have in an
unlimited supply, and that can change a
person’s day and sometimes even their
life.
Sometimes, the people closest to us are
the ones we take most for granted and
fail to recognize or compliment. Don’t
hold back because you are nervous your
compliment won’t measure up and
certainly don’t stay silent because you
think your compliment won’t mean
much. Reflecting in a letter, Mark Twain
once wrote, “I can live on a good
compliment two weeks with nothing else
to eat.”
Be sincere with your compliments;
don’t exaggerate or go overboard. Be
specific. “I admire way you handled that
situation.” “I am impressed by your
patience or generosity.” “I appreciate the
delicious meal you made or the wonderful
way you interacted with the children.”
Be creative, look for opportunities to
compliment or offer a positive word. It
will bring out the best in others and make
you feel good too.