06 Jun IS “JEWISH MATCHMAKING” KOSHER?

I. Shadchan for the
Masses
There is a recent
Netflix series about
a real shadchan,
matchmaker, who sets
people up to date for
marriage. This raises
an interesting question about matchmaking
ethics and halachah. I have not seen the
show and do not intend to see it. From
what I have been told, while the shadchan
is Orthodox, the people dating are not. Is it
permissible for an Orthodox matchmaker
to suggest marriage-oriented dates (“set
up”) people who are not religiously
observant? Is it proper to help a Jew make
the most important decision in life, to set
the tone for the rest of his days, in a way
that does not involve religious practice? (If
I am misinformed about the show, then I
apologize. We can easily set the show aside,
and any other issues it might raise, and
focus specifically on the above questions.)
Rav Yair Chaim Bacharach (17th cen.,
Germany; Responsa Chavos Ya’ir, no.
185) discusses this question in regard to
the biblical prohibition of lifnei iveir and
the rabbinic prohibition of mesayei’a yedei

overei aveirah, both of which include
assisting someone in sinning. The Gemara
(Avodah Zarah 6b) says that you may not pass
a glass of wine to a nazir, who is forbidden
to drink wine, because doing so violates
lifnei iveir. However, that prohibition only
applies if you and the nazir are on two sides
of a river. Meaning, if he cannot reach the
wine and can only violate the prohibition
through your help, then passing him the
wine constitutes a violation of lifnei iveir.
If he can violate the prohibition without
you, e.g. you are both on the same side of
the river, then when you pass him the wine
you do not violate lifnei iveir because your
role is not essential. Tosafos (Shabbos 3a,
s.v. bava) say that even on the same side of
the river, there is still a rabbinic prohibition
of mesayei’a not to assist in a sin.
Rav Bacharach discusses lifnei iveir in a
case in which you provide forbidden wine.
Since the purchaser can always buy wine
somewhere else, lifnei iveir should not
apply because it is as if you are both on
the same side of the river. However, if the
wine is not available at a comparably low
price or with equally limited difficulty to
obtain, then you are once again on different
sides of the river. If you are offering a huge
discount that is not available elsewhere,

then you violate lifnei iveir when you sell it.
In a parenthetical comment, Rav Bacharach
adds that it is therefore biblically forbidden
to set up an apostate Jew (a convert to
another religion who remains halachically
Jewish) with a potential spouse. Since it is
difficult to find a spouse, you are providing
a potential for him that he might not find
elsewhere. And since an apostate will live
a life that is not halachically observant, you
are facilitating for him a sinful life. This
would seem to argue that it is forbidden to
be a shadchan for non-religious Jews.
II. The Professional Shadchan
Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin (Netziv;
19th cen., Russia; Responsa Meishiv Davar
2:32) addresses the same question regarding
non-observant Jews. Are you allowed to set
up two non-observant Jews if you know that
if/when they marry, they will not observe
the family purity laws? Netziv sets aside
lifnei iveir because they can find a match
elsewhere. With this, he implicitly rejects
Rav Bacharach’s argument. Presumably
he believes that if there is an appropriate
spouse out there, anyone can find it you are
not essential. However, we are still left with
the rabbinic prohibition of mesayei’a. We
are obligated to distance people from sin,
not bring them closer to it.
Netziv quotes Rav Ya’akov Ettlinger
(19th cen., Germany; Responsa Binyan
Tziyon, no. 15) who argues that Tosafos
and Rosh hold that mesayei’a applies only
at the time of a sin. If there is a sin going
on, you cannot be part of it. However,
before the fact, there is no prohibition.
Since your role in setting people up takes
place before any prohibition occurs, you
do not violate mesayei’a. However,
Rashi, Ran and Rambam seem to apply
mesayei’a more broadly. But even they
would allow it for the sake of peace or
even for the sake of income. Therefore,
concludes Netziv, if you are paid for the
matchmaking then you are allowed to set
up non-observant Jews.
III. The Officiating Rabbi
In an article in the Knesses Yisrael
journal from Slabodka (Elul 5699, pp.
18-20), Rav Ya’akov Meskin (20th cen.,
US) argues that a rabbi who officiates at
the wedding on a non-religious couple
does not violate lifnei iveir because the
wedding is too far removed from any
halachic violations by the couple. He
says he heard Rav Elchanan Wasserman
quote the Chafetz Chaim as saying that
setting up a non-religious couple violates
the prohibition of following after
(providing assistance to) an adulterer
(okeiv achar ha-no’ef; see Shevu’os 47b)
because nidah is a forbidden relation like

a married woman. Rav Meskin points out
that the Chafetz Chaim does not invoke
lifnei iveir. Perhaps he means that the
Chafetz Chaim applies this to a man and a
single woman who is a niddah but not a man
and his wife. If so, it would be permissible
to officiate at the wedding of a non-religious
couple but not to set up a non-religious
couple.
Rav Shlomo Aviner (cont., Israel;
Responsa She’eilas Shlomo 3:346) permits
acting as a shadchan for non-religious Jews
for a number of reasons, among them:
1) There is no lifnei iveir because they can
marry or get together without the shadchan
2) Any sin that occurs will be at a later time
3) The shadchan intends for this to be a
mitzvah (see Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim
169:2)
4) The shadchan is saving them from any
relations they would otherwise have outside
of marriage.
In the end, there seems to be some debate

about serving as a shadchan for non-
religious Jews. Notably, the Chafetz Chaim

was very much opposed. However, the
Netziv and others permit it. Even according
to those who are lenient, we still must
always encourage proper behavior and
discourage forbidden pre-marital touching.
Even if our words will be ignored, we have
to stand on the side of what we know is
proper behavior and interaction between an
unmarried couple.