18 Aug KI TESEH: SENDING OUR CHILDREN TO THE STARS

Parashat Ki-Tetzeh
presents the law
regarding a Ben Sorer
U’Moreh– “wayward

child.” This is a 13-year-
old boy who not only

disobeys his parents, but goes far beyond that
– stealing their money to buy meat and wine
to indulge in. The Torah writes that the parents
should bring this child to the court, and he
should be put to death.
The consensus view among the Rabbis of the
Talmud is that there has never been a
youngster who met the criteria of a Ben Sorer
U’Moreh, and there never will be. This is not
a halacha that will ever be practically
observed. But the Torah issued this command
for the purpose of “so that we learn and apply
the lessons that are relevant to our lives, and
we will then be worthy of reward.” Let us
examine one of the critical lessons about
education that we learn from the law of the
Ben Sorer U’Moreh.
The Gemara (Sanhedrin 72a) explains that the
Torah commanded putting this child to death
because it knows what this child would
otherwise become. After he steals all his
parents’ money, he will be so desperate to
continue his endless indulgence in meat and
wine that he will go out to the roads and attack

people, killing them and taking their money.
The Torah determined that it is preferable for
this child to be put to death rather than allow
him to grow to become a violent criminal.
The commentators raise the question of how
to reconcile the Gemara’s comment with the
famous teaching that a person is judged based
on his current condition, irrespective of what
he might become in the future. This is inferred
from the story of Yishmael, whose sincere
prayers were heeded when he was dying of
thirst, and whom Hashem thus saved even
though his descendants would inflict great
harm on the Jewish Nation. How, then, can
the Ben Sorer U’Moreh be punished because
of what he is going to be? What happened to
the rule that all people are judged strictly
based on the present?
The Rabbis of the Mussar movement answer
that there is an obvious difference between
Yishmael and the case of the Ben Sorer
U’Moreh. When Yishmael prayed, he was
sincere, genuine and pure. His state at that
moment had no connection to the cruel,
barbaric crimes that his descendants would
commit generations later. The Ben Sorer
U’Moreh, however, is on a downward spiral,
he is clearly heading in the direction of violent
crime, and so he needs to be stopped.
I taught in high school for many years, and,

sadly, I saw so many instances where a child
was on the wrong trajectory, when all the
signs were there, but by the time the parents
noticed, it was too late. So often, when a great
kid from a great family learning in a great
school grows up and disappoints, the seeds
were visible already earlier, much earlier, but
nothing was done about it. It’s not that the
parents were bad parents. They were loving,
caring, hard-working, devoted parents who
raised a beautiful, happy family – but they
didn’t notice the early warning signs that the
child was headed in the wrong direction.
Parents are busy – busy with other children,
busy with earning a living, busy with their
friends and extended family, busy with
communal events, and so on. These are all
wonderful things. But the highest priority
must always be our children. We need to be
focused, attentive, attuned, and involved. We
cannot leave the child’s education solely to
the school.
In two weeks, we will read a pasuk in Parashat
Nitzavim in which Moshe tells the people
never to think that they need to “rise to the
heavens” to observe the Torah. He says that
they should never say, Mi Yaaleh Lanu
Hashamaima – “Who will bring us up to the
heavens?” (Devarim 30:12). Rav Yerucham
Olshin, head of the Lakewood Yeshiva,

pointed out that the first letters of these words
spell the word Milah (circumcision). Moshe
here is alluding to us that from the time of an
infant’s first mitzvah – the berit – the parents
have the responsibility to bring him to the
heavens, to help him soar. The parents’ job
isn’t to just send their kid to school. They
need to believe in their children’s potential for
greatness, in their ability to reach the stars,
and help them get there.
I mentioned earlier that I’ve seen many
instances of problems that arose when it was
too late. But I’ve also seen so many opposite
examples – where a student who struggled in
school ended up reaching the stars, achieving
great things. With the parents’ involvement,
support and encouragement, all children can
succeed.
It is within our power as parents to recognize
the signs, to nurture, and to believe. When we
do, we give our children the chance to soar
higher than we ever dreamed.