19 May KISSING CHILDREN IN SHUL

And Yosef prepared
his chariot and he
went up to greet his
father Yisrael. And
he appeared to him
and he fell on his neck
and he wept profusely

on his neck. ~ Rashi
But Yaakov did not fall on Yosef’s neck and
he did not kiss him. Chazal explain that he
was reciting Kriyas Shema.
Bereishis 46:29
The Rema (O.C. 98:1) codifies that it is
forbidden “to kiss one’s young children in
shul, in order to establish in his heart that there
is no love like the love that one has for
Hashem.” There is no source in Shas for this
prohibition, but several rishonim cite this
minhag. The earliest discussion is in the Sefer
Chasidim (255), who writes that one should
not kiss his children in shul, or even in his
house if he is in front of his rebbi.
Similarly, the Teshuvos Binyamin Ze’ev (163)
writes in the name of the Sefer Ha’Agudah
that one should not kiss his children in shul in
order to show that there is nothing that rivals
one’s ahavas Hashem. What are the limits to
this minhag? May one kiss someone else’s
child? May one hug one’s own child? Are

there any exceptions to this rule?
Older Children, Friends, and When Not
Davening
The Kaf HaChaim (98:10) suggests that the
prohibition only applies to one’s own children,
since the love one feels for his own children is
a person’s greatest love, and the purpose of the
custom is to demonstrate that even such a love
is secondary to our love for Hashem. It would
be permitted, however, to kiss a small child
that is not one’s own. Similarly, the Teshuvos
Ohr Yitzchak (O.C. 42) suggests that the
custom only applies to small children, but it is
permitted to kiss one’s older children in shul.
He infers this from the Rema’s language
which speaks of “young children.” However,
most poskim disagree with this distinction,
and note that the original sources do not limit
the prohibition to children of any particular
age. Presumably, the Rema spoke of “young
children” simply because they are typically
the ones a parent would kiss. Rav Ovadiah
Yosef (Yechaveh Da’as 4:12) also rules that
there is a general prohibition to demonstrate
love for others in shul to people of all ages,
including relatives and friends. It’s important
to note that while this practice aims to limit
outward expressions of love, there is no
custom that prohibits shaking hands or giving
hugs, even though these are also clear

expressions of affection and respect. The
custom is only to limit the giving of a kiss.
Since the Rema cites this halacha in Hilchos
Tefillah, not in Hilchos Beis HaKnesses, some
deduce that the custom only applies during
davening. Indeed, it is related orally that Rav
Moshe Feinstein would kiss his grandchildren
in shul if it was not during tefillah. The Piskei
Teshuvos points out that this fits with the
words of the Zohar. Based on this
understanding, the Ohr Yitzchak suggests that
kriyas HaTorah is not considered part of
tefillah, and it would be permitted to give a
child a kiss during leyning. This is his
justification for fathers kissing their sons at
the conclusion of leyning their bar mitzvah
parsha or after their aliyah during their aufruf.
However, Rav Hershel Schachter does not
agree with this line of thinking and believes
that one cannot necessarily make such
diyukim based solely on the placement of a
halacha in the Shulchan Aruch. Accordingly,
Rav Schachter understands that the prohibition
applies in a shul or beis medrash at all times
regardless of what is currently taking place.
For the Honor of the Torah
Rav Yitzchak Zilberstein (V’Haarev Na 1:
Parshas Shemos) presents a situation in which
a father was learning with his son in shul, and
the son asked him a particularly sharp
question related to what they were learning.
Upon investigation, the father discovered
that this question had been raised by Rav
Akiva Eiger, and he proudly kissed his son,
to the chagrin of those around him. The
father argued that he wasn’t kissing his son
out of fatherly love, but to show how proud
he was of his learning and to help instill
ahavas HaTorah into his child. Rav
Zilberstein rules that whether or not this
would be permissible would depend on how
the father would have reacted had the kasha
been asked by a different child. If he would
have kissed another child who asked the
same question, then it would be permissible
to kiss his own son. However, if he wouldn’t
have kissed another child, it would be
forbidden to kiss his own child, as it shows
that his excitement and affection is at least
partially influenced by his love for his son.
Rav Zilberstein cites a number of sources in
Chazal to prove the point that it is permitted
for a father or rebbi to kiss his child or
student in shul out of kavod and ahavas
HaTorah. Avos D’Rabbi Nosson relates that
Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai once asked
Rabbi Eliezer ben Hurkinus to deliver
derashos. Rabbi Eliezer complied, and his
words were so phenomenal that Rabban
Yochanan got up and kissed him on his head
after each derasha. Presumably, this took
place in a beis medrash, and still Rabban
Yochanan ben Zakai kissed him. Similarly,
the Gemara (Nedarim 9b) relates that
Shimon HaTzaddik kissed a particularly
righteous nazir on his head in the Beis
HaMikdash. Additionally, after Rabbi Akiva

taught Rabbi Tarfon a derasha that it was
better to give his money to tzedakah than to
invest it in a city, Rabbi Tarfon kissed him
(Maseches Kallah 1). We see from these
sources that it is permissible to kiss someone
in shul or in a beis medrash for the sake of
kavod HaTorah.
Similarly, Rav Ovadiah Yosef (ibid.) writes
that it is the established minhag in Sefardi
communities to kiss a chacham’s hand in shul.
He explains the practice by citing the Gemara
(Bava Metzia 32a), which compares kavod of
one’s parents to kevod Shamayim and the
Mishna in Avos (4:12), which writes that fear
of one’s rebbi is similar to mora Shamayim. In
addition, the Gemara (Bava Basra 119b) rules
that we give kavod to a talmid in the presence
of his rebbi. Rav Ovadiah argues that honoring
a parent or chacham in a shul or a beis medrash
is comparable to giving a student the
appropriate honor in the presence of a rebbi.
Similarly, the Rashba (Shu”t V:14) writes
explicitly that one is obligated to stand for a
parent or a rebbi in shul, as the obligation to
honor them is not diminished by the obligation
to honor Hashem. Likewise, it is permissible
to kiss the hand of a chacham in shul, since it
is done not out of personal love but as an act
of kavod HaTorah and kavod talmidei
chachamim.
Similarly, Rav Hershel Schachter relates that
when Rav Avraham Shapira visited Yeshiva
University to give a shiur and Rav Soloveitchik
entered the beis medrash, Rav Shapira gave
him a kiss. He explained to the talmidim that
Rav Soloveitchik was the equivalent of a
walking sefer Torah, and it is proper to kiss
him even in a beis medrash. Likewise, Rav
Zilberstein relates that when Rav Dovid
Bahran arrived in shul and heard that a Mr.
Wechsler, who was a great supporter of Torah
in Yerushalayim, had made a shidduch for his
daughter with a young orphan named (Rav)
Betzalel Zolty (who would later become the
Rav of Yerushalayim), he went over to him
and kissed him on the forehead. He explained
that it was permitted just as Aharon kissed
Moshe when they were reunited on Har
HaElokim, even though they were in a holy
place, because the kiss was for the sake of
kavod HaTorah.
However, Rav Ovadiah writes that this heter
only applies to kissing someone on his hand,
which is a sign of respect. The custom to kiss
someone who just received an aliyah or other
kibud is not proper, and we should work to
abolish this practice. He adds that when
explaining this to others who do have this
practice, one should speak calmly and
pleasantly in order to avoid insulting them. In
this way, they will ultimately be willing to
change their practice.