14 Apr LAVAN AND THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS

For many singles
who deeply wish
to marry but have
not yet found the
right partner, the
pain is not only
personal. It carries a
broader dimension as
well. There is also the quiet absence of the
families, children and generations that have
not yet emerged. The individual story is real
and pressing, but it is also part of a larger
national concern. Jewish continuity is built
through the families we form.
I. Lavan’s Destructive Plan
“Arami oved avi, An Aramean sought to
destroy my father.”
The Pesach Haggadah contrasts Pharaoh,
who decreed only against the males, with
Lavan, who sought to uproot everything. As
it says, “An Aramean sought to destroy my
father” (Deut. 26:5).
This is puzzling: where do we ever find
that Lavan attempted something so extreme
as trying to kill his grandchildren? On the
contrary, he appears to have loved them and
exerted significant effort to keep them from
leaving him.

Many explanations have been offered. Rav
Mordechai Gimpel Yaffe (19th cen., Russia)
in his Haggadas Mordechai quotes Rav
Yosef Peimer of Slutzk (19th cen., Russia),
a primary student of Rav Chaim Volozhiner.
The Gemara (Gittin 64b) says: if a man
appoints an agent and says, “Go and betroth
a woman for me,” and the agent dies, the man
becomes forbidden to marry any woman.
We assume the agent fulfilled his mission,
and any woman might be related to the one
he betrothed on his behalf. He cannot risk
marrying his unknown wife’s sister, mother
or daughter. Therefore, out of doubt whom
the agent betrothed on his behalf, the man
must remain single forever.
Eliezer served as the agent to betroth a wife
for Yitzchak, as noted by Tosafos (in Kesubos
7b, s.v. she-ne’emar). The midrash relates that
Lavan placed a poisoned dish before Eliezer,
attempting to kill him. Through Avraham’s
merit, the dishes were switched, and Besuel
ate from it and died instead of Eliezer (Yalkut
Shimoni, Chayei Sarah, par. 109).
However, had Lavan succeeded in killing
Eliezer, Yitzchak would have been unable
to marry at all. He might already have been
betrothed, unknowingly, to a close relative
of any given woman, rendering the potential

wife forbidden to him. Out of doubt,
he would have been forbidden to
marry any woman. Lavan would
have succeeded in ending the line
of Yitzchak and preventing the
Jewish people from coming into
existence. This is the meaning of
the Haggadah’s claim that Lavan
“sought to uproot everything.”
This interpretation carries
contemporary resonance. An
unrealized marriage is a private loss,
but it also carries consequences that
echo far beyond the individual. In our
own time, when many remain single
despite sincere effort, it is worth considering
not only the depth of their personal challenge
but also the broader significance of the
children and grandchildren who were never
born.
II. Expanding the Search
At the same time, an objection to this
interpretation suggests a path forward. Rav
Shlomo Wahrman 21st cen., US) challenges
this creative interpretation of Rav Yosef
Slutzker. Avraham’s original instruction
directed Eliezer to a specific place: “Go to
my land and my birthplace, and there find
a wife for Yitzchak my son” (Gen. 24:4).
Eliezer was only an agent to betroth, on
behalf of Yitzchak, a woman from Ur
Kasdim (Rashi, Gen. 24:7). Therefore,
even if Eliezer had died, Yitzchak could
have married a woman from someplace
else (Oros Ha-Pesach, ch. 50).
Rav Wahrman implies that sometimes a
match is found in places you do not expect
or want. Avraham wanted a match for
Yitzchak from his family in Ur Kasdim.
Had Lavan succeeded in killing Eliezer,
Yitzchak could still have found a match in
what they considered less prestigious places
and families. The future of Yitzchak’s
family did not depend exclusively on the
one most “desirable” place and family. His
children and descendants could still have
been born, a glorious future could have
emerged.
Today also, sometimes the solution
to shidduch challenges lies in moving
beyond a narrow framework and widening
the horizon: considering potential spouses
from different communities, different
backgrounds and different life paths.
We often become overly fixed on our
preconceived notions of what our spouses
and our futures must look like. We miss
potential for happiness and family because
we are too rigid in our expectations. Of
course, this does not apply to every single
because everyone’s circumstances and
experiences are different. But a wider
pool of potential spouses means more
opportunity for finding the right person.

III. Unusual Places
I would counter, in defense of Rav Yosef
Slutzker, that Eliezer’s agency extended
beyond the women in Ur Kasdim. Avraham
instructed Eliezer that if he did not find
someone appropriate and willing in Ur
Kasdim then he may look elsewhere (Rashi,
Gen. 24:7,49). Therefore, if Lavan had
succeeded in killing Eliezer, Yitzchak would
have been unable to marry women in both
Eliezer’s primary pool of potential spouses
in Ur Kasdim and secondary pools in every
other place.
However, Yitzchak still would have been
able to marry women without close female
relatives. A woman with no mother or sister
would definitely be permissible to Yitzchak.
If Eliezer had betrothed Yitzchak to this
woman, then he would be marrying the right
woman. If Eliezer had betrothed him to the
woman’s sister, she is no longer alive and
does forbid Yitzchak to marry the living sister.
If the mother had already been deceased at
the time of Eliezer’s journey, this orphan
woman would be permissible to Yitzchak.
Similarly, Yitzchak could marry a widow or
divorcee who had been married at the time of
Eliezer’s journey because Eliezer could not
have betrothed Yitzchak to a married woman.
Therefore, even if Lavan had succeeded in
killing Eliezer, Yitzchak would still have had
a limited pool of potential wives with whom
to create the Jewish people.
Similarly today, too many people look to
marry within a narrow spectrum and do not
consider people with different circumstances.
Rather than limiting their options, they can
expand their pool of potential spouses by
considering widow(er)s, divorcees and other
people even slightly outside the standard life
trajectory.
Expanding the search does not mean
compromising on core values. It means
recognizing that the building of a Jewish
home, and the generations that follow, may
depend on the willingness to look beyond
some – but not all – familiar boundaries.
In doing so, one not only increases the
possibility of finding the right partner but
also contributes to the enduring future of the
Jewish people.