28 Oct LECH LECHA: FROM SPOUSE TO SIBLING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP FACES CRISIS, TELL THEM SHE IS YOUR SISTER

A Chassid related
the following
story:
The loyalty of
Russian soldiers to
the Czar was
legendary. I once
saw a Russian soldier being whipped.
His crime? While standing watch on a
Russian winter night, his feet had frozen
to his boots.
“Had you remembered the oath you took
to serve the Czar,” his commander
berated him, “the memory would have
kept you warm.”
“For 25 years,” concluded the Chassid,
“this incident inspired my service of
G-d.”
A Self-Absorbed Husband?
This week’s parsha, Lech Lecha, relates
how a famine breaks out in the Land of
Canaan, and Avraham and his wife Sara
head down south to Egypt. As they
approach Egypt, Avraham voices his
fears to his wife that the Egyptians,
notorious for their immorality, might kill
him so that they may lay their hands on
the most beautiful Sara.
“Please say that you are my sister,”
Avraham pleads with his wife, “so that
they will give me gifts for your sake and
my life will be spared.”
This is a difficult story to digest.
Avraham, the founder of Judaism,
considered one of the most spiritual
humans of all times, the person who gave
the world the gift of Monotheism and
taught humanity the value of
kindness, seems to be all-consumed by
the fear for his life, and totally
unconcerned with the fate of his wife.
What is even more disturbing is
Avraham’s interest that “they give me
gifts for your sake,” while his wife would
be enduring abuse and humiliation.
No less absurd is the fact that the Torah
finds it necessary to begin the biography
of the father of the Jewish people with
this episode, as though signifying that it
contained the fundamentals of Jewish
faith and practice…
Two approaches can be found among the
commentators. The Ramban
(Nachmanides, circa 1194-1270) writes
that Avraham performed indeed “a great

sin, inadvertently.” The Zohar explains
(Tazria 52a), that Avraham, who knew
Sara’s superior spiritual quality, was
certain that no harm would befall her. He
was only fearful about his own fate.
Yet, as in every story of the Torah, this
narrative contains a psychological and
spiritual message.
A Tale of Two Loves
What is the difference between the
sibling relationship and the spouse
relationship? A spouse you choose;
siblings you don’t choose. Your
connection with your brothers and sisters
is natural and innate.
The bond between siblings is constant
and immutable. Whether you love your
brothers or not, he will always remain
your brother; you are eternally connected
by genes, culture, and soul connection.
Conversely, the bond with a spouse is
subject to change and fluctuation; today
you are married, but in a year from now
you may sadly be divorced.
Yet paradoxically, the love of a sibling –
even at its best — is calm and placid; the
love of a spouse, on the other hand, is
capable of becoming fiery and passionate.
Because the love of a sibling is inborn
and natural, it can never die, but we also
don’t get too excited about it. It is part of
who we are.
The love of a spouse is something created
anew as a result of two separate individuals
coming together at a later stage in life.
The distinctiveness, rather than the
sameness, of the two individuals linked
in marriage, is what gives the relationship
its intensity and drama, feelings that
cannot be found even between close
siblings. Yet this same quality is also the
reason some marriages are short-lived.
Passion can flourish, but passion can
fade away.
And when the marriage does fail, you fall
back on the innate bond that exists among
family members, who are, hopefully,
always there for you.
Tough Times
The story of Avraham and Sara is also
allegorical.
When one is situated in the holy-land, a
term symbolizing a psychological state
of serenity and spirituality, he is her
husband and she is his wife. They care

for each other and look out
for each other in a way that
only a husband and wife can.
Those are the days when you
wake up in the morning and
say, “Thank you G-d for
giving me such a special
person in my life.”
But then a famine may erupt,
starving your heart and
dulling your senses, you end
up in “Egypt,” which in Hebrew means
“constraints” and “limitations.” You lose
your passion for your spouse, barriers
between you are constructed, and your
love becomes a challenge.
At these moments one must remember
that his wife is, in essence, also a sister
and that her husband is also a brother.
Even if you don’t feel the connection,
you remain connected innately; even if
you don’t experience the
romance consciously, you remain
linked essentially. Because the shared
bond between a wife and her husband is
not only the result of a created union at a
later point in their lives; rather the spouse
relationship is innate and intrinsic, in the
words of the Zohar, “two halves of the
same soul.” A marriage, in the Jewish
perspective, is not only a union of two
distinct people; it is a reunion of two
souls that were one and then, prior to
birth, separated. In marriage, they are
reunited.
The relationship between spouses goes
beyond feelings. We crave to always be
husbands and wives, but sometimes — for
our marriages to survive and thrive — we
must become brothers and sisters.
Whether you feel it or not, your wife is
one with you, always. Do not allow the
loyalty and trust to wane, on both sides.
Even if there are arguments, difficulties,
and hardships, maintain the loyalty to
each other, like healthy and functional
siblings.
Avraham and Sara taught us, that when
the relationship becomes challenging,
you cease to be husband and wife; now
you become brother and sister. You fall
back on the innate, intrinsic oneness
which binds you in an eternal link.
This, in fact, brings an awesome benefit
to a husband. When you are there for
your wife even when you’re not in the
mood for it, an extraordinary energy of

love is later returned to you. That’s why
Avraham told Sara that by saying that she
was his sister, he would not only survive
but would also receive special gifts.
G-d My Sister, G-d My Wife
“A sound! My beloved knocks! Open
your heart to Me, My sister, My wife, My
dove, My twin .” In these stirring words,
Shlomo Hamelech describes the Jew
both as G-d’s spouse and as G-d’s sibling.
There are times when the Jew is situated
in the holy-land, inspired and motivated
to live a spiritual and G-dly life. Like in a
good marriage, the Jew is excited about
G-d, yearning to be close to Him and
fulfilled by having a relationship with
Him.
But then come the days when you
enter into a psychological “Egypt,”
where your inner spirituality is numbed,
as you are overtaken by self-centered
lusts, beastly cravings, negative impulses,
and enslaving addictions. Your marriage
with G-d seems all but dead.
The key to survival at those moments is
to remember that G-d is not only a spouse
but also a sibling. We are sacred and
G-dly not just because we feel it and we
love it, but because a person is inherently
a sacred creature, and G-dliness is
intrinsic to the human being’s very
composition. Whether I’m in the mood
for it or not, when I behave in a moral
and spiritual way, I am being loyal to my
true self.
You are holy not because you feel holy,
but because you are essentially holy –
this is one of the most fundamental ideas
of Judaism, expressed in the first
narrative about the first Jew.
When the Russian winter threatens to
freeze our souls, it’s time to recall the
warmth provided by G-d as a member of
the family. It’s time to remember the
intrinsic bond existing between you and
your sibling that will never fail.