05 Nov LECH LECHA- PEACE IN THE FAMILY – IT’S WORTH IT!

We read in Parashat Lech-
Lecha of an argument that

arose between Avraham
Avinu and his nephew,
Lot, who had accompanied
him when he went to the live
in Eretz Yisrael, and was
living with him (13:7). The background to
the argument is less important for our
purposes here than the way Avraham
handled it.
Avraham said to Lot, Al Na Tehi Meriva
Beini Uvenecha – “Let there not be a fight
between me and you” (13:8).
Rav Moshe Alshich notes that in the
previous pasuk, the Torah tells us Vayehi
Riv – that there was an “argument”
between Avraham and Lot. It started as
a riv, a relatively minor argument, but
Avraham feared that it would develop into
a meriva – a full-blown fight.
Virtually all fights within families begin
with a riv, with something relatively minor
and trivial. Somebody felt
insulted. Somebody said something he or
she shouldn’t have. Somebody
overreacted. An invitation wasn’t

extended. Eventually the feelings fester,
until the two parties find themselves
embroiled in a meriva, a bitter, nasty fight.
Avraham here teaches us not to allow
a riv to snowball into a meriva. When
there is some tension and friction – which
is going to happen on occasion in any
normal family – the important thing is to
“nip it in the bud,” to keep these tensions
at bay, rather than allowing them to grow
into a full-blown fight.
But Avraham also teaches us another
lesson about fights within the family.
He suggested to Lot “that they
separate.” They tried living together, and
it wasn’t working, so Avraham proposed
that they part ways.
When family members live on top of one
another, it is all but expected that there
will arguments and tensions. Of course,
families should be close. But sometimes
families are too close, resulting in fights. If
family members see that too much
together-time isn’t working, it is perfectly
acceptable – and advisable – to separate
somewhat, to allow more space between
them. And if family members are partners

in a business, and the partnership isn’t
working, is might be a good idea to split
up.
Perhaps the most important lesson we
learn from this story, however, is indicated
to us by what happens right after. The
Torah says that Hashem spoke to
Avraham “after Lot separated from him”
(13:14). As Rashi observes, the Torah
emphasizes that Hashem spoke to
Avraham specifically after Lot moved
away. Rashi explains that as Lot was not
so righteous, Hashem would not speak to
Avraham while Lot lived with
Avraham. Only after Lot left could
Avraham receive prophecy.
Lot’s presence prevented Avraham from
having Hashem speak with him – and yet,
he kept Lot with him until he saw that it
wasn’t working. Avraham did not regard
his relationship with Lot as expendable –
even for the privilege of having Hashem
speak with him!! He insisted on remaining
together with Lot even at this expense. It
was only when he feared that the situation
would lead to a meriva that he suggested
to Lot that they separate.

Few things are as valuable or rewarding
than peaceful relations within the
family. And few things are as painful and
destructive than strife within the
family. Sometimes, there is no choice but
to create some distance. But this should be
a last resort. In most situations, it is worth
it to maintain the peace, to forget and
forgive. If Avraham was willing to forego
on prophecy for the sake of his relationship
with his nephew, then we can certainly
forgive family members for hurtful things
they said and did for the sake of keeping
the family together. Most things are
simply not worth a fight, not worth
allowing a riv to evolve into
a meriva. Peace within the family should
always be a high priority – one for which
we should be willing to make difficult
sacrifices.