06 May MAKING FRIENDS – A LOOK BACK AT LAST WEEK’S PARSHA

There are many people
who agonize over why
they don’t have friends.
This is no small issue at
all. Chazal teach us, “O!
chavrusah O! misusah
– Either companionship
or death!” Such is the
importance of having
good comrades. In Pirkei Avos having a
chaver tov, a good friend, is numbered as one
of the most coveted traits. The Mishna goes
as far as recommending, “K’nei lecha chaver,”
that one should even purchase for oneself
a friend. (This, of course, is not to be taken
literally but as advice that, in order to cultivate
a friendship to maintain its union, it is worth
spending money on such things as phone calls,
gifts, and visits.)
So, why is it that some people have such a hard
time winning friends or keeping them?
Naturally, there are some people who lack the
social skills or who are by nature introverted.
There is also the problem of “K’mayim
hapanim el panim, kein leiv adam l’adam,”
that like a person’s reflection in water so is
the heart of man to man. This pithy saying of
Shlomo HaMelech means that people react in
kind to how we present ourselves. Therefore,
if a person is by nature sour-faced, gloomy or
grumpy, that is the way people will treat him –
and that is not the stuff that makes for a good
friendship.

However, the Gemora in Arachin [16] reveals
to us another sinister reason why some people
lose their friends. The Gemora informs us
of a person who habitually speaks lashon
hara, slander, or engages in rechilus, tale
bearing. Such a person causes the breakup of
friendships and friction in marriages through
his sinful gossip. As a punishment for this,
midah k’neged midah, measure for measure,
Hashem causes him, in kind, to lose his friends
or to experience marital discord.
We know that one of the punishments for
sinful speech is tzaraas, biblical leprosy.
The very word metzora is a composition
of motzi ra, he who speaks evil. One of
the punishments of the metzora is, “Badad
yeisheiv michutz lamachaneh moshavo,” he
sits in isolation outside of the camp. While
the obvious message of this punishment

is that we are saying that one who is a tale-
mongerer is not fit for social company in a

Torah society. Quite the contrary, to some
groups who feel the ‘frummy,’ the person who
doesn’t want to engage in gossip is a killjoy
and doesn’t make for an enjoyable evening,
there is also again midah k’neged midah, that
since he causes people to become friendless
by maligning them, he is punished to be in
solitary confinement.
Rashi adds that he cannot even be with other
lepers. This is unique. In other cases, where
someone is banished because of tumah,
impurity, he is allowed to remain with people

of a similar malady to himself. This is the
case with the tamei meis or the zav, one who
is contaminated by the dead or suffering from
biblical gonorrhea, to give just two examples.
Why is the metzora different? The
commentators explain that it is the talent of
the baal lashon hara, the gossiper, to be able
to diagnose and spot accurately other people’s
deficiencies and flaws. He is a master sleuth at
uncovering the foibles and weaknesses of his
friends and relatives. If you put him in a room
with other lepers, he’ll just spend his time
ferreting out the problems of his companions.
We want to ensure that he will, instead, begin
to contemplate his own faults. Therefore, we
put him into solitary confinement.
It is imperative that we take a reality check
on ourselves and see if, when we walk into
a room or walk into a shul, or go to our
bungalow colony or arrive at the workplace we
don’t automatically start analyzing our friends
and diagnosing their vices. This is a trait of
the baal lashon hara and is the antithesis of
the Talmudic chacham, sage, of whom we
are taught that he is ‘lomeid mikol adam,’ is
able to learn from all people. Such a person
has trained himself to look at the maalos,
positive traits of his friends rather than their
shortcomings. Therefore, the chacham is able
to learn from everyone.
In the merit of training ourselves to see the
good in others, may Hashem bless us with

the great reward of having truly good friends
together with long life, good health, and
everything wonderful.