02 May MARRYING A WOMAN WITH YOUR MOTHER’S NAME

I. Avoiding Similar
Names
It is hard to find a
lifemate. Part of the
so-called “Shidduch
Crisis” is the limitations
we impose on potential
spouses, even among
those within the same social circles. One of
these limitations is a widespread custom,
albeit not universally followed, of a man
refraining from marrying a woman with the
same name as his mother. There is much
discussion about whether this truly is a
limitation and how to sidestep it, if possible.
The source of this idea is the ethical will
of Rav Yehudah He-Chasid (13th cen.,
Germany; par. 23). He writes that a man
should not marry a woman with the same
name as his mother and, likewise, a woman
should not marry a man with the same name
as her father. He does not offer any reason
why this should be problematic. However,
later authorities suggest reasons with practical
implications.

Rav Matis Blum (21st cen., US; Torah La-
Da’as, vol. 1, p. 74) quotes four possible

reasons for this concern:
1) Rav Eliezer Deutsch (20th cen., Hungary;
Responsa Peri Ha-Sadeh 1:69) attributes this

concern to ayin ha-ra, some form of evil eye
or an evil decree from Heaven going to the
wrong person (see Chagigah 4b).
2) Rav Yosef Shaul Nathanson (19th cen.,
Ukraine; Hagahos Yad Sha’ul, Yoreh De’ah
240) sees the concern in calling out the name
and having the wrong person come, which
could lead to forbidden interactions.
3) Responsa Devar Eliyahu (no. 32) suggests
that if you call your wife by her name and it
is also your mother’s name, then you will be
showing disrespect to your mother by using
her name.
4) Rav Reuven Margoliyos (20th cen.,
Israel; Mekor Chesed on Sefer Chasidim)
proposes that the problem is that if your wife
has the same name as your mother then you
cannot name a child or grandchild after your
mother, which causes bad feelings. (I looked
but could not find reasons 2-4 in their original
sources.)
If, following #2 above, the concern is
confusion when a man calls out to his wife
(or a woman calls out to her husband), then
as long as they have different nicknames
for each other that they use consistently
there should be no problem. If, following
#3 above, the issue is respect for the mother
or father, then if they truly forgo their honor
in this respect then the problem disappears.

Following the first three reasons, if a woman
adds to her name (e.g. Rivkah becomes
Chanah Rivkah), then there should be no
concern. However, according to reason #4,
someone named Chanah Rivkah will not
name a child or grandchild Rivkah. The bride
would have to completely change her name to
Chanah. Additionally, Rav Eliezer Deutsch,
who proposed approach #1 that the concern
is ayin ha-ra, suggests this only applies if the
young couple lives with the groom’s parents
and the two women with the same name live
in the same house.
II. Lenient Views
Rav Yechezkel Landau (18th cen., Austria;
Noda Bi-Yehudah, part 2, Even Ha-Ezer, no.
79) points out that some of the instructions
in this section of Rav Yehudah He-Chasid’s
will contradict the Talmud. For example, we
find cases in the Talmud of a father-in-law
and son-in-law with the same name (e.g.
Shmuel the father-in-law of Rav Shmuel Bar

Ami in Sotah 10b). If so, Rav Yehudah He-
Chasid’s statement must have been intended

only as guidance for his family and not
general instructions for the public. Therefore,
concludes Rav Landau in very strong
language, unless you are a direct descendant
of Rav Yehudah He-Chasid, you don’t have
to follow these rules.
Rav Avraham Danzig (19th cen., Lithuania;
Chochmas Adam 123:13) points out
that most people misunderstand this
instruction. Rav Yehudah He-Chasid says
the same thing in Sefer Chasidim (477)
but adds that this is only a problem if there
are three generations with the same name.
If a man has a mother and grandmother
named Rivkah, then he should not marry
a woman named Rivkah. If it is only two
generations, says Rav Danzig, there is no
problem.
Later authorities dispute these two
approaches. Rav Menachem Schneerson
(19th cen., Russia; Tzemach Tzedek,
Piskei Dinim, Yoreh De’ah 116) accepts
Rav Landau’s approach in general but
points out that there is an additional
concern regarding a woman and her
mother-in-law. In addition to Rav Yehudah
He-Chasid’s will, the Arizal is quoted
as warning against a man marrying a
woman with the same name as his mother.
The Arizal’s statement was not just for
his family and is about even just two
generations. Therefore, Rav Schneerson
says that both Rav Landau’s and Rav
Danzig’s approaches do not satisfy and we
should avoid such marriages if the bride’s
and mother’s names are exactly the same.
III. A Middle Position
Rav Moshe Sofer (19th cen., Hungary;
Responsa Chasam Sofer, Even Ha-Ezer
1:116) takes a middle approach. Adopting
the language of the Talmud (Pesachim
110b), Rav Sofer says that those who are
particular about this, Heaven is particular

with them. And those who are not concerned,
Heaven is not particular with them. In other
words, if the bride and groom are bothered
by this issue, they should change the relevant
name. If they are not concerned, then Rav
Sofer says that there is no need to change
any name. Similarly, Rav Shlomo Ganzfried
(19th cen., Ukraine; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch
145:8) says that (only) one who is concerned
should not marry a woman with the same
name as his mother. Rav Moshe Feinstein
(Iggeros Moshe, Even Ha-Ezer, 1:4) reaches
the same conclusion.
There are those who are strict about this
issue and those who are not. It has exercised
halachic authorities so much that Rav
Avraham Tzvi Hirsch Eisenstadt (19th cen.,
Lithuania) discusses it in three different places
in his Pischei Teshuvah collection of rulings
on Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 116:6;
Even Ha-Ezer 2:7, 50:14). Similarly, Rav
Tzvi Hirsch Schapiro (20th cen., Hungary;
Darchei Teshuvah 116:56) and Rav Chizkiyah
Medini (19th cen., Crimea; Sedei Chemed,
Ma’areches Chasan Ve-Kallah Ve-Chupah,
no. 5) quote many additional sources on the
subject, the latter including two otherwise
unpublished letters by Rav Yosef Zechariah
Stern (19th cen., Lithuania; see also Zeicher
Yehosef, Berachos 44a) who is not concerned
for this issue. To all these discussions and lists
of authorities, I add Rav Betzalel Ze’ev Safran
(20th cen., Romania; Responsa Ha-Rabaz,
Even Ha-Ezer, no. 20) who also leans toward
the lenient position. Nearly all agree that if
the bride changes or adds to her name and this
new, expanded name is used consistently, the
concern is resolved.