02 Jul MY SON NEEDS THERAPY. MY HUSBAND SAYS NO

In the May 31, 2022
issue, Mishpacha
Magazine posed the
following question and
invited me and others to
respond:
Question:

My oldest son is a smart and energetic eight-
year-old. He does well in school, and his rebbi

says the boys in the class like him. But at

home he acts very differently. He has a hair-
trigger temper, often having meltdowns when

things don’t go his way, and lashing out at me
or his younger siblings. The intensity of his
tantrums frighten me.
I want to send him to therapy to help him
learn healthier ways to respond when
frustrated and to discover if there’s anything
more worrisome at the root of all this anger.
But my husband is completely unfazed by
our son’s behavior. He tells me that many boys
get angry easily, and he’s adamant that his son
does not need therapy. When I point out
examples of my son’s inappropriate reactions,
he just shrugs and tells me he’ll grow out of it.
I’m worried that without help, this will spiral
into even more dysfunctional behavior as he
gets older.

Do I force the issue and have it become a
conflict between my husband and me, or
should I just hope his behavior will change as
he gets older?
My Answer:
Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky once ran into a
talmid and inquired about how he was doing.
The young man gave a krechtz, explaining
that his child had kept him up several nights in
a row. “Tzaar gidul banim,” he sighed. The
great gadol turned to his talmid and said,
“That isn’t tzaar gidul banim, the pain of child
rearing, it is just gidul banim, child rearing.”
The essential question, the point of debate
between the two of you is: When do behaviors,
thought patterns, or phobias rise to the level of
a clinical diagnoses, and when are they
normative and regular? When do they need
intervention and treatment, and when do we
assume the person exhibiting them will grow
out of them? When are they gidul banim, and
when are they tzaar gidul banim?
The line between outlier behavior that should
be cause for concern and more standard
behavior, where there’s nothing to be
particularly worried about, is often very fine
and difficult to see. But here’s the thing that I
believe you must try to communicate to your
husband: If you observed your child frequently

losing his balance or experiencing dizziness,
would you dismiss it as a growing pain,
something he will grow out of? Or would you
— at minimum — seek the opinion of a
physician, asking a qualified and trained
person to make that judgment?
What is true for physical imbalance or spatial
dizziness is equally true for mental imbalance
and emotional dizziness. Though shalom
bayis is a core value and you correctly should
be committed to harmony with your husband,
when it comes to your child’s physical,
mental, and emotional health, there must be
no shame, no stigma, and no hesitation in
impressing upon him the importance of
asking an expert and deferring to the
guidance you receive.
The Torah tells us (Shemos 21:19) “verapo
yerapei — and shall cause him to be healed,”
from which the Gemara (Berachos 60a)
learns, “mi’kan she’nitein reshus l’rofei
l’rapos — from here we learn that permission
is granted to a doctor to heal.” In other
words, the practice of medicine, seeking out
the treatment of a doctor, is consistent with
the will of Hashem. Why would we think it
isn’t? Rashi (Bava Kama 85b) explains, “I
might have thought that if someone is ill,
physically or mentally, that is what Hashem
wants, and we are obligated to accept it. So
the Torah tells us no, Hashem has given
doctors license and responsibility to heal.”
The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Dei’ah 336:1),
goes even further and writes, “The Torah has
given permission to the doctor to heal. It is a
mitzvah to do so and part of pikuach nefesh.
If a doctor refuses to do so, he is guilty of
bloodshed.” Many poskim, including the
Tzitz Eliezer (12:18:8) and Rav Asher Weiss
(Minchas Asher 2:134), apply the halachic
principles and rules of physical health to
mental health.
So, in the case of your question — are these
ordinary tantrums, incidents of adolescent
impetuousness, or is there clinical anger and
rage? — a competent doctor must make that
determination. Even if it is awkward or
outside your comfort zone, for your son’s

well-being, you should get to the bottom of
the behavior.
How should you convince your husband?
You should communicate in a non-adversarial
way, engaging and positioning your husband
as your partner, on the same side and part of
one team, equally devoted to your son’s
wellbeing. You should implore him to help.
Follow your maternal instinct on this issue;
though your husband may be right that this is
something your son will grow out of, it is fair
and reasonable for you to want a professional
to endorse that. After all, if he’s right, there is
no harm in having an expert say there is
nothing more to do. But if he is wrong, your
son will pay a price by his indifference and
passiveness. You should calmly communicate
that you’re asking him to partner and respect
you on this, not only for the sake of your son,
but also for the sake of you shalom bayis, to
preserve the harmony that is good for you,
your son, and the whole family.
If or when he goes along, your husband must
not let your son know he’s doing so
begrudgingly or under protest. The ben sorer
u’moreh, the rebellious child, is described by
the Torah as einenu sho’meiah b’kol aviv
u’v’kol imo, he doesn’t listen to the voice of
his father and the voice of his mother. Why
doesn’t the Torah simply say he doesn’t listen
to the voice of his father and mother? Why
does it repeat the word “voice” for each?
Commentators explain that part of what
contributes to a rebellious child is inconsistent
messaging from his parents. When a child
hears different voices from his father and
mother, when he perceives daylight between
them, he is often lost, confused, and becomes
rebellious.
Confronting potential challenges with our
children can push us apart or make us grow
closer together. The choice of having parenting
problems or compounding them with marital
strife is up to us. If we are committed to speak
with one voice, to respect each other’s
opinions but defer to outside guidance when
we don’t agree, we can not only do what is
best for our children but develop a better
marriage in the process.