16 May PARASHAT BAMIDBAR: PERFECTING OUR MIDDOT THROUGH PARENTING

The Torah in Parashat
Bamidbar briefly
recounts the death
of Nadab and Abihu,
Aharon’s two older
sons: “Nadab and Abihu died before G-d…
and they had no children” (3:4). The Gemara
in Masechet Yebamot interprets this verse
to mean that Nadav and Abihu died because
they did not beget children. On this basis,
the Gemara establishes that one who does
not involve himself in Periya Ve’ribya – the
Misva of begetting children – is liable to
death, just as Nadab and Abihu died because
of their refusal to have children.
The commentators raise the question as to
how the Gemara can attribute Nadab and
Abihu’s death to their decision not to have
children. After all, the Torah right here in
this Pasuk states explicitly that they died
on account of their irreverence toward
the Mishkan, for bringing an unwarranted
offering. And the Midrash gives other
reasons for their untimely death – drinking
wine before entering the Mishkan, and
acting disrespectfully toward Moshe and
Aharon. How, then, are we to understand the
Gemara’s comment that Nadab and Abihu
died because of their decision not to beget
children?

The Hatam Sofer (Rabbi Moshe Sofer of
Pressburg, 1762-1839) explained that Nadab
and Abihu’s refusal to have children is the
root cause of their other sins, which all have
to do with a lack of respect. The irreverence
they showed toward Moshe and Aharon and
toward the Mishkan was the result of their
failure to cultivate proper Middot (character
traits) – a failure which could have been
averted if they had begotten children.
Parenting, the Hatam Sofer says, is the most
effective means of perfecting one’s character.
Children look to their parents as examples to
follow, and thus parents have no choice but
to be careful how they speak and act. Keenly
aware of the effect our behavior has on our
children’s character development, we are
forced to conduct ourselves in a dignified,
respectful and becoming manner. Strange
as it may seem, parenting is not only about
building our children, but also about building
ourselves. We perfect our characters by
being parents, as the role forces us to conduct
ourselves in the way we want our children
to behave. And so, the Hatam Sofer says,
Nadab and Abihu died because they did not
have children. Being childless denied them
the opportunity to develop their characters
and their sense of humility and respect, and
thus indirectly caused their untimely death.
On Shabuot we read the Aseret Hadibberot –

the Ten Commandments that Beneh Yisrael
heard at Sinai. The Midrash comments that
the Ten Commandments are divided into
two sets of five, and each commandment
corresponds to the parallel commandment
in the other set. Thus, for example, the first
commandment – “I am Hashem your G-d”
– corresponds to the sixth commandment
– murder – because murder constitutes the
destruction of the divine image. The second
commandment – idolatry – corresponds
to the seventh commandment – adultery
– because worshipping a foreign deity is
a betrayal of G-d comparable to marital
infidelity. Interestingly enough, according
to this structure, the fifth commandment
– honoring parents – corresponds to “Lo
Tahmod,” the prohibition against envy. The
Midrash explains that somebody who is
envious of other people will have children
who disrespect him and will show respect to
other people in their lives, instead, and this
accounts for the implied link between these
Misvot.
Why are disrespectful children the
consequence of envy?
If children grow up around envious parents,
who frequently speak of their desire to have
what others have, then they, the children, will
naturally become envious people. And it is

then likely that they will be envious of their
friends’ parents. If we cause our children
to be jealous people, we may very well be
causing them to disrespect us – because they
will be jealous of their friends and show
greater respect to their friends’ parents than
to their own parents.
Parenting is a precious privilege and
opportunity for many reasons, and one
reason which we should not overlook is the
way it can help us become better people. But
this will only happen if we remember how
much our behavior affects our children’s
development, that the way we act directly
impacts upon their characters. By being
careful how we act and speak around our
children, we not only help them develop
and cultivate proper Middot – but we help
ourselves perfect our own characters, as well.