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    11 Nov PARSHA IN PRACTICE: SKILLS FOR BETTER LIVING CHAYEI SARAH – THE TRUEST FORM OF KINDNESS

    Posted at 15:13h in by
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    Marriage?
    Romantic. The
    source? Not so
    much!

    The Torah describes that a man gets
    married by “taking” a wife (Devarim
    24:1). What does “taking” entail?
    Chazal note the appearance of that
    same word, “taking,” by Avraham’s
    purchase of Me’aras HaMachpeilah
    to bury Sarah (Bereishis 23:13).
    Based on context, Chazal conclude
    that the Torah’s definition of “taking”
    involves handing over money
    (Kiddushin 2a). This is the source
    that a man can betroth a woman by
    giving her money, or any object of
    value (e.g., a ring).
    While Avraham’s commitment to pay
    any price for Sarah’s burial is touching,
    it seems to be the most bizarre and
    depressing of places to learn the

    fundamentals of marriage! What is
    the connection between burying the
    dead and getting married?! (Insert
    marriage joke here.)
    My rebbe, Rav Zvi Sobolofsky,
    shlita, explained with a beautiful
    idea. Burying the dead is known as
    chessed shel emes, the truest form of
    kindness, because it is a benevolence
    that one does for someone who can
    never reciprocate the favor. While
    that term, chessed shel emes, is
    colloquially only used in the context
    of caring for the deceased, the
    reality is that any act of goodness
    can be labeled as “the truest form
    of kindness,” as long as it is done
    entirely for the sake of giving – while
    expecting nothing in return (see
    Sifsei Chachamim to Rashi, Bereishis
    47:29).
    This attitude is the foundation of a

    strong marriage: each side focused
    exclusively on giving, instead of
    receiving. The source of Jewish
    marriage teaches us that, much like
    caring for the departed, it must be
    built on chessed shel emes.
    Dr. John Gottman, a leading
    relationship researcher, refers to this
    as the “Emotional Bank Account.”
    Every act of kindness, patience,
    or appreciation is a deposit; every
    criticism, complaint, or cold shoulder
    is a withdrawal. The healthiest
    marriages, he found, are those
    where the deposits far outweigh the
    withdrawals. Chessed shel emes is
    the spiritual version of that same
    truth. When we give without keeping
    score – when our focus is on filling
    our spouse’s emotional account
    rather than checking our own
    balance, the relationship becomes

    resilient, trusting, and deeply loving.
    The Torah’s source and process of
    kiddushin reminds us that marriage
    endures not through perfect fairness,
    but through relentless generosity
    – through the daily choice to
    keep giving even when we don’t
    immediately get back.
    Or, to use a quote often hanging in
    the offices of marriage counselors:
    Marriage is not a 50-50 partnership; it
    is 100-100. It isn’t dividing everything
    in half, but giving everything you’ve
    got!