25 Nov PARSHA IN PRACTICE: SKILLS FOR BETTER LIVING VAYEITZEI – A REAL PROBLEM

What makes
something a “real”
experience?
After marrying two
sisters a mere week apart, the Torah
says that Yaakov loved Rachel “even
more” than he loved Leah (29:30).
The clear implication is that he
loved Leah as well, albeit to a lesser
degree. Surprisingly, the very next
verse states that Hashem saw that
Leah was “hated,” so He granted her
the privilege of bearing Yaakov’s first
children in order to gain his affection.
Leah was hated?! Didn’t the previous
pasuk just tell us that Yaakov loved
her too?
The truth is, notwithstanding Yaakov’s
intentions, Leah felt hated. Whatever
love Yaakov demonstrated toward
Leah was negligible since, in the end,
Leah did not perceive it. As she saw

her husband treat the other wife – her
younger sister! – with more affection,
Leah did not feel loved at all. And
because this was Leah’s reality, this is
how Hashem dealt with her. Hashem
validated her emotions, and helped
her as the “hated” wife, because that
is how she felt! Hashem’s response
teaches us that a person’s subjective
emotional world is not dismissed in
Heaven simply because it may seem
to differ from objective facts on the
ground.
This is an important lesson in relating
to those going through a difficult time.
When hearing others complain about
their hardships, there is a tendency to
“help” by explaining why there is no
objective reason to be upset. “They
didn’t mean it that way.” “It’s not as
bad as you think.” “I’m sure things
will work out in the end.” While the
person providing reassurance may

have the best of
intentions, these
remarks can often
have the opposite
effect. Far from
providing relief,
such dismissals can
actually deepen
a person’s pain,
leaving them feeling
even more isolated
and invalidated, as if
their internal world
is being minimized
instead of understood. Ironically, the
more we try to talk someone out of
their feelings, the more alone they
may feel inside them.
It may seem hard to support someone
through a “crisis” that one does
not perceive to be a problem at all.
The following mindset can help: A
person’s experiences and emotions

are just as “real” as any objective fact,
in the sense that the person really
feels that way! Instead of dismissively
explaining why there is no reason to
feel hurt, we can provide real comfort
– like Hashem did for Leah – by
validating a person’s real experience
of the problem. Often, this simple act
of acknowledging someone’s pain is
what begins to ease it.