13 Jul PARSHAS BALAK: WHAT EVERY CHILD NEEDS THE MOST

Our kids are growing up in a very, very

scary world. The devices they carry in

their pockets enable them to see

EVERYTHING. Which means they are

aware of every major news story. They

hear about every major catastrophe,

every big scandal, and every big problem

that’s being talked about. It also means

that they know everything going on in

the community, and this gives them a

great deal of pressure and anxiety.

Already at a young age, our kids hear about the astronomical cost

of†living†in†our†community¨†the†challenges†in†finding†a†spouse¨†the

challenges in staying married and the challenges in raising a

family. And, because of social media, they are CONSTANTLY

exposed to what other kids and other families are doing, what their

lives look like and what the perceived standards are. This creates

A TON of pressure. We might not be able to see it, but our kids are

overwhelmed. AND THEY NEED US. They need us for

encouragement, for support, for reassurance. They

DESPERATELY need us. Why are We Told the Story of

Bilam??? This message was taught to us by Hashem Himself. In

Parashat Balak, we read the story of Balak, the king of the nation

of Moav, who hired Bilam – a man known for his ability to harm

people by placing a curse on them – to use his powers against the

Jewish People. Balak was afraid of Beneh Yisrael, and so he

hoped to eliminate them by having Bilam curse them. But

Hashem prevented Bilam from cursing Beneh Yisrael, and

changed his curse into beautiful blessings. A simple question:

Why is this important? This entire episode happened far away

from where the Jewish People were encamped. Balak and Bilam

stood at a mountaintop overlooking the camp, trying to curse them,

and a blessing came out instead. Why does this matter? Why is

this written in the Torah? The answer is so powerful: Hashem

wants to show us how much He loves us. We are told this story

so we realize that when other people were out to get us, Hashem

was there for us. When other people were trying to speak badly

about us, Hashem was singing our praises. When people hated us,

Hashem was behind us all the way, just like He always is. We need

to hear this story because this world is a scary place. Life is hard

and intimidating. We so often feel alone, weak and vulnerable. So

Hashem showed us that even when we can’t see it, He is always

there for us, He is always caring for us, and He always believes in

us. Making Kids Feel “Love Worthy” This is exactly what our

children need from us. They need to know that they are so

important to us, that we love them, that we cherish them, that we

are always there for them, that they can always count on us, that no

matter what kind of adversity and challenges they might be facing,

we love them more than anything. Why is this so important?

Because our children need to know that they are “love

worthy” – that they are deserving of being loved and cherished. If

a†child†is†confident†that†he†is†loved¨†then†he†feels†generally

confident†in†himselfƆHe†feels†confident†that†he†is†capable†of

succeeding, of getting married, of building a career, and of

meeting all the challenges that lie ahead. This might sound like

“psychobabble,” but it’s SO TRUE. The greatest fear people have

– especially youngsters – is that they won’t matter, that they won’t

be important, that they won’t be loved or respected. This is why

kids like doing things that adults do, and feeling “big.” They like

this because as little kids, they feel unimportant. They want to feel

important, that they matter, and so they want to be “big,” to be like

adults. Parents play a crucial role in providing kids with this basic

need. We play this role by showing them that we love them, that

we care about them, that they are the most important thing in the

world to us. “I am the One!!!” There are several reasons why this

is such a great challenge for many parents – such as parents who

have, thank G-d, many children. They might, understandably,

wonder how they can give each and every child this feeling of

being love and cherished. With so many kids to care for, this can

be†pretty†difficultƆLet’s†address†this†problem†by†looking†at†a

famous story told much earlier in the Torah. After Yosef was sold

as a slave, and Yaakov assumed he was killed, his family tried to

comfort him: ויקומו†כל†בניו†וכל†בנותיו†לנחמו¨†וימאן†להתנחם†– “All his

sons and all his daughters arose to console him, but he refused to be

consoled.” One of the famous commentaries, the Or Ha’hayim

Ha’kadosh, offers a fascinating interpretation of this pasuk.

Yaakov had only one daughter, so when the Torah here mentions

“all his sons and all his daughters,” it must refer not only to his

children, but also to his grandchildren. What the pasuk means is

that his entire family, all his children and grandchildren, came

before him to show him how big a family he had. They wanted to

assure Yaakov that although Yosef was gone, he still had so much

to be proud of, and so much to be happy about. But Yaakov refused

to be consoled. It didn’t matter how many children and

grandchildren he had if one of them was missing. Each one was

precious, and each one was irreplaceable. Parents of large

families need to make it clear that each and every one of their

children feels this. Every son and every daughter must feel, “I am

the one!” Every child must feel that he or she means THE

WORLD to the parents, that he or she is loved and cherished as

though there were no other children. This is especially relevant in

the summer and holidays, when people tend to spend a lot of time

with extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Children can

often feel lost and overwhelmed being one of thirty people. No

matter how busy and hectic things get, the parents must make it

clear to each and every child that each and every one of them

matters, that each and every one of them has the parents’ unlimited

and unconditional love. We are With Them NO MATTER

WHAT! I imagine that some parents reading this are shaking their

heads and thinking: “This all sounds really nice, but to be honest,

my kid just doesn’t deserve it.” “If only you knew what my

teenager is like, how he doesn’t do anything he’s supposed to do.”

“How can I show my kid love when she is always talking back to

me?!” “I’m supposed to make him feel loved? When he makes my

life†sooooooooooooooo†difficultø°°”†Let’s†go†back†to†Bilam†to†find

the answer. In one of Bilam’s blessings which Hashem forced him

to give the Jewish People, he makes a remarkable statement: לא

הביט†און†ביעקב†ולא†ראה†עמל†בישראל†– Hashem does not see any sin in

the Jewish People, and so He loves them. How is this possible? So

much of the Book of Bamidbar, the book which tells of the nation’s

experiences traveling through the desert, is about the people’s

sins, all the times when they complained and they rebelled.

How could Bilam say that Hashem does not see anything wrong

wih the Jewish People? He could say this because Hashem

loves us even when we do things wrong. Of course He saw the

people’s mistakes, and He punished them several times. But

even then – He made it clear that He loves us. No matter what

we do, He still loves us. The pasuk continues, – ה߆אלוקיו†עמו

Hashem is with the Jewish People NO MATTER WHAT. Even

when we mess up, Hashem is there for us. Even when we

deserve punishment – we are still worthy of His love. And this

what our children need to know – that we are with them all the

way, no matter what. Even if we do not approve of what

they’re doing, even when they don’t listen, they need to know

that we love them. We don’t have to – and shouldn’t – give in,

but we need to show them that our love is unconditional. Dads

– Get Involved!! This requires a joint effort by both parents. I

realize†that†for†many†Dads†in†the†community¨†this†is†a†difficult

challenge. They spend many long hours working, and often

they have to travel. Owning a business usually means an

endless stream of emails and texts, and constant pressure and a

stead†flow†of†problems†that†need†to†be†dealt†withƆA†father†who

comes home exhausted from a pressured day of work might

understandably prefer relaxing with his buddies than dealing

with his kids. But he shouldn’t. When a man has a child, he

essentially†signs†a†contract¨†making†a†commitment†to†fill†that

child’s needs. And the child’s needs are not limited to food,

clothing, shelter and tuition. Children have emotional needs,

too, and fathers are responsible to provide them. Fathers need to

be more than just bank accounts. They need to be sources of

love¨†of†confidence¨†of†securityƆChildren†need†their†fathers†not

only to sign the checks, but also to make them feel special, to

make them feel love worthy. It’s Harder Than Ever Showing

our kids love has never been so vital as it is today, and it has

never†been†more†difficult†than†it†is†todayƆKids†today†have†so

much stress, so much pressure and so much anxiety, and there is

so much confusion. And so they are overwhelmed and afraid.

They need to know we’re behind them all the way. But kids

today are also less respectful and less receptive to love than they

ever were in the past. I doubt there was ever a generation when

kids thought less of their parents than they do in our generation.

Kids†today¨†even†at†a†very†young†age¨†assume†they†know†better

than their parents. But this does not mean they don’t need us. To

the contrary, THEY NEED US MORE THAN KIDS EVER

DID!!!!! Today’s children are more stubborn and less respectful

specifically†because†of†their†anxiety¨†their†fear¨†their†insecurity¨

and†their†lack†of†confidenceƆAnd†so†even†though†they†might†not

seem to be interested in our love and support, they still need it.

DESPERATELY. Yes, it’s hard. But we need to try as hard as

we can to break through the shell our kids build around them,

and show them that we love them, that we believe in them, that

we†have†confidence†in†themƆAnd†this†is†true†of†kids†of†any†ageÆ

In the early childhood years – say, until age 3 – it’s all about

showering the child with love. From around age 4 until the early

teen years, it’s a combination between love and setting boundaries. If

we don’t set boundaries and make demands, we are not showing love.

We are sending the message that we don’t care enough about our

children, and so we let them do what they want. It is imperative that

we set boundaries together with showing them love. During the teen

years, our kids need our support, to know that we care about them

even if they make bad decisions, even if they don’t get things right.

And when they get older – even well into adulthood – they need us to

listen. At this age, they don’t need or want our advice, but they need

us to listen, to pay attention, to show them that we think they are

important enough to be heard. Just as Hashem wanted the Jewish

People to know that ה߆אלוקיו†עמו†– they are ALWAYS worthy of His

love – so must we show our children that they are always worthy of

love, at every age, at every stage, and under all conditions. The

Power of Confidence A ninth grader was walking home from school

one Friday afternoon in the beginning of the school year when he

noticed†a†classmate¨†Kyle¨†walking†the†same†way¨†carrying†all†his

schoolbooks†with†himƆThis†boy†had†never†seen†Kyle†before¨†and

from his appearance, he seemed socially awkward. And it seemed

very strange that he would be walking home on Friday afternoon with

all†his†booksƆSpending†the†weekend†on†schoolwork†is†definitely†not

the normal thing to do. A few minutes later, a group of bullies

approached†Kyle¨†knocked†the†books†out†of†his†hands¨†and†pushed

him†to†the†ground¨†sending†his†large†glasses†flyingƆThe†other†boy’s

heart†bled†for†poor†KyleƆHe†ran†over†to†him¨†gave†him†his†glasses¨

and†helped†him†collect†his†booksƆHe†saw†the†tears†welling†in†Kyle’s

eyes. He introduced himself, and invited him to play football with him

and†his†friends†on†Saturday†and†SundayƆKyle†gladly†accepted†the

invitation. They played ball over the weekend, and became friends.

The†friendship†helped†Kyle†become†better†adjustedƆHe†gradually

started looking and acting like the other kids, and became popular in

school. He was also an outstanding student. At the end of 12th grade,

Kyle†was†named†valedictorianƆHe†approached†the†podium†to†deliver

his valedictory speech, and said the following: “Graduation is a time

to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.

Your parents, your teachers, your siblings… but mostly your

friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone

is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.”

Kyle†went†on†to†recount†that†day†at†the†beginning†of†the†year¨†when†he

was carrying all his books home. He explained that he was planning

to end his life that day. He was bringing his books home so his

mother would not have to come to the school to empty his locker,

which would, of course, be unimaginably painful for her. Looking at

his best friend in the crowd, he smiled and said, “Thankfully, I was

saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.” The other

boy†saved†Kyle†by†showing†him†he†was†love†worthy¨†that†he†was

important enough to receive friendship, love and concern. In the scary

world we live in, this is what our children so desperately need – and

nobody on earth can provide it more than we, their parents, can.

Whatever ages our children are, we need to give this to them – the

confidence†of†knowing†they†are†worthy†of†loveƆArmed†with†this

confidence¨†they†will†head†out†into†the†world†with†faith†in†themselves

and in their ability to achieve and do all the amazing things that they

are capable of doing.