09 Nov Parshas Chayei Sara
In Parshas Chaya Sarah we can study all about shidduchim. One of the primary lessons is to know that shidduchim are arranged by Hashem. It’s not because I chose, or because that person said, or because this or that happened, etc. The shidduch went through because Hashem wanted it to happen. Avraham Avinu said to Eliezer, “Hashem, the G-d of the heavens… will send His malach (angel) before you, and you will take a wife for my son…” (24:7). Hashem sends His malach and sets up all the steps necessary to enable a shidduch to be finalized.
The truth of this matter is so evident, that even the resha’im, Besuel and Lavan, recognized that shidduchim are arranged by Hashem. When Eliezer spoke with Besuel and Lavan, and asked them whether they agree to the shidduch, they replied, “meiHashem yatza hadavar lo nuchal dabeir aleicha ra o tov — it was destined from Hashem. We cannot speak to you bad or good” (24:50).
The Rashbam writes, “[Besuel and Lavan said to Eliezer] to build or to destroy [the shiduch] isn’t up to us. We are forced; whether we want to or not, HaKadosh Baruch Hu Who has the power, does.”
The Gemara writes, “[We can prove] from the TaNaCh (acronym for Torah, Navi, and Kesuvim) that Hashem arranges marriages.2 In Chumash it states ‘Lavan and Besual said, ‘meiHashem yatza hadavar — it was destined by Hashem’ (Bereshis 24:50). In Navi it states ‘His father and his mother didn’t know that it was from Hashem’ (Shoftim 14). And in Kesuvim (Mishlei 19), it states, ‘A house and wealth is the inheritance from parents, but a wise woman [to her husband] is arranged by Hashem’” (Moed Koton 18).
The Vilna Gaon zy”a was once a guest in someone’s home. When he was ready to leave, his host asked him, “How was it in my home? It’s a nice home, isn’t it?” The Vilna Gaon thanked him and said that it was a very good achsanyah (apartment). Then the Vilna Gaon said, “There was one thing that I noticed while staying in your home, that I wanted to ask you about. I saw that you prepare a coffee for your wife, every morning, even before you made your own coffee. I was wondering why you do this. Is it because of what Chazal say, ‘michabdaso yoser megufo — one should honor his wife more than he honors himself’?”
The host said, “The answer to your question is the story of my life. When I was thirteen years old, I was a prodigy, already well-versed in Torah, and a wealthy person chose me for his chassan (son-in-law). The chasunah was scheduled for seven years later, when I would be twenty. In the meanwhile, my future father-in-law hired private tutors, so I could grow in Torah. For the next seven years, I learned with these tutors and became a talmid chacham. When I turned twenty, and it was time for the chasunah, my future father-in-law lost all his money.
“Personally, I wanted to continue with this shidduch, because I had hakaras hatov (appreciation) for the seven years that he supplied me with tutors, but my father didn’t permit the marriage. He refused to allow his son, who had become a talmid chacham, to marry a poor girl.
“Another shidduch was suggested, and I married a girl from a wealthy family. Soon after the marriage, we discovered that I have a mum (an illness). My father-in-law spent a lot of money to cure me, but in the end, the doctors said that there was nothing they could do; there was no cure. This was a very hard moment in my life. My father-in-law asked me to divorce his daughter, and I obliged.
“First a broken shiduch, then a divorce… I felt that my life was in shambles. Depressed, I began to live with other lost souls in the hekdesh. (The hekdesh was a communal ‘room and board’ for the homeless.) Someone I knew saw me in the hekdesh and was shocked. He said, ‘You have so much potential in Torah; how did you end up here?’ I told him what happened to me. “Some time later, this man returned, and offered me a shidduch. ‘The girl has the very same mum as you have,’ he told me.”We met and we married. After the chasunah, she said, ‘You were born with your mum, but I was born healthy. I developed the mum later on in my life.’ She told me that she was once engaged to marry a Torah scholar, but because her father lost his money, the shidduch was called off. She was so depressed that she became ill.
“I asked her some questions, and I discovered that her original chassan was me! She was my first shidduch and she became ill, on my account! Doesn’t she deserve a cup of coffee each morning?” The Vilna Gaon was very happy that he heard this story, and exclaimed, “If I came here only to hear this story, it would also be worthwhile,” because it demonstrates Hashem’s Hand in shidduchim. If a shidduch is destined to be, it will happen. (Obviously, the first shidduch was also from Hashem. Everything happens as Hashem plans it.)
In parashas Bereishis, the Torah tells us, “vayapel Hashem Elokim tardeimah al ha’adam vayishan vayikach achas metzalosav… — Hashem cast a sleep onto Adam, he slept, and Hashem took one of his ribs…[and created Chavah].” This is how the first shidduch came to be. Bederech tzachus, this reminds the older singles, who are worried about when they will find their shidduch, that they need not worry, because Hashem is taking care of them. The Torah tells them, “Just go to sleep – don’t worry and don’t disturb. Everything will be taken care of. Hashem is working for you, arranging your bashert from heaven concluded, “If a shidduch is destined from heaven, nothing can stop it from happening. I know the father; he is an intelligent man and I think it was quite clear what I meant. But Hashem took away his sechel, so the shidduch should go through.”
In the shtar tena’im (engagement document) it states at the top of the document, “vayafek ratzon mei’Hashem hatov — [the shidduch] came forth according to Hashem’s will” , to remind everyone that the shidduch was from Hashem. Vayafek can also mean takes out or removes. The original words of the tena’im can therefore be translated, “Hashem removes people’s will.” Because when people seek a shidduch they generally have a basic idea of what they are looking for (what type of family, goals, personality, etc.) But often, people end up marrying someone who doesn’t fill the criteria, at all. Somehow, when the right one (the one destined from heaven) comes along, people forget their plans, and they agree to the shidduch. This is hinted to, in the shtar tena’im, “vayafek ratzon mei’Hashem – Hashem took away people’s ratzon (desire) to make the shidduch happen.