26 Oct PARSHAS CHAYEI SARA

In Parshas Chaya
Sarah we can
study all about shidduchim. One of the
primary lessons is to know that shidduchim are arranged by Hashem. It’s not
because I chose, or because that person
said, or because this or that happened, etc.
The shidduch went through because
Hashem wanted it to happen. Avraham
Avinu said to Eliezer, “Hashem, the G-d
of the heavens… will send His malach
(angel) before you, and you will take a
wife for my son…” (24:7). Hashem sends
His malach and sets up all the steps necessary to enable a shidduch to be finalized.
The truth of this matter is so evident, that
even the resha’im, Besuel and Lavan, recognized that shidduchim are arranged by
Hashem. When Eliezer spoke with Besuel
and Lavan, and asked them whether they
agree to the shidduch, they replied, “meiHashem yatza hadavar lo nuchal dabeir
aleicha ra o tov — it was destined from
Hashem. We cannot speak to you bad or
good” (24:50). The Rashbam writes,
“[Besuel and Lavan said to Eliezer] to
build or to destroy [the shiduch] isn’t up to
us. We are forced; whether we want to or
not, HaKadosh Baruch Hu Who has the
power, does.” The Gemara writes, “[We
can prove] from the TaNaCh (acronym
for Torah, Navi, and Kesuvim) that Hashem arranges marriages. In Chumash it
states ‘Lavan and Besual said, ‘meiHashem yatza hadavar — it was destined by
Hashem’ (Bereshis 24:50). In Navi it
states ‘His father and his mother didn’t
know that it was from Hashem’ (Shoftim
14). And in Kesuvim (Mishlei 19), it
states, ‘A house and wealth is the inheritance from parents, but a wise woman [to
her husband] is arranged by Hashem’”
(Moed Koton 18). The Vilna Gaon zy”a
was once a guest in someone’s home.
When he was ready to leave, his host
asked him, “How was it in my home? It’s
a nice home, isn’t it?”TorahWellspringsChayeiSara The Vilna Gaon thanked him
and said that it was a very good achsanyah
(apartment). Then the Vilna Gaon said,
“There was one thing that I noticed while
staying in your home, that I wanted to ask
you about. I saw that you prepare a coffee
for your wife, every morning, even before
you made your own coffee. I was wondering why you do this. Is it because of what
Chazal say, ‘michabdaso yoser megufo
— one should honor his wife more than
he honors himself’?” The host said, “The
answer to your question is the story of my
life. When I was thirteen years old, I was
a prodigy, already well-versed in Torah,
and a wealthy person chose me for his
chassan (son-in-law). The chasunah was
scheduled for seven years later, when I
would be twenty. In the meanwhile, my
future father-in-law hired private tutors,
so I could grow in Torah. For the next
seven years, I learned with these tutors
and became a talmid chacham. When I
turned twenty, and it was time for the chasunah, my future father-in-law lost all his
money. “Personally, I wanted to continue
with this shidduch, because I had hakaras
hatov (appreciation) for the seven years
that he supplied me with tutors, but my
father didn’t permit the marriage. He refused to allow his son, who had become a
talmid chacham, to marry a poor girl.
“Another shidduch was suggested, and I
married a girl from a wealthy family.
Soon after the marriage, we discovered
that I have a mum (an illness). My fatherin-law spent a lot of money to cure me,
but in the end, the doctors said that there
was nothing they could do; there was no
cure. This was a very hard moment in my
life. My father-in-law asked me to divorce his daughter, and I obliged. “First a
broken shiduch, then a divorce… I felt
that my life was in shambles. Depressed,
I began to live with other lost souls
in the hekdesh. (The hekdesh was a
communal ‘room and board’ for
the homeless.) Someone I knew
saw me in the hekdesh and was
shocked. He said, ‘You have so
much potential in Torah; how did
you end up here?’ I told him what
happened to me. “Some time later,
this man returned, and offered me a
shidduch. ‘The girl has the very
same mum as you have,’ he told
me. “We met and we married. After
the chasunah, she said, ‘You were
born with your mum, but I was
born healthy. I developed the mum
later on in my life.’ She told me that
she was once engaged to marry a
Torah scholar, but because her father lost his money, the shidduch
was called off. She was so depressed that she became ill. “I
asked her some questions, and I
discovered that her original chassan was me! She was my first shidduch and she became ill, on my
account! Doesn’t she deserve a cup
of coffee each morning?” The Vilna Gaon was very happy that he
heard this story, and exclaimed, “If
I came here only to hear this story,
it would also be worthwhile,” because it demonstrates Hashem’s
Hand in shidduchim. If a shidduch
is destined to be, it will happen.
(Obviously, the first shidduch was
also from Hashem. Everything
happens as Hashem plans it.) In
parashas Bereishis,
the Torah tells us,
“vayapel Hashem
Elokim tardeimah
al ha’adam vayishan vayikach achas
metzalosav… —
Hashem cast a sleep onto Adam, he slept,
and Hashem took one of his ribs…[and
created Chavah].” This is how the first
shidduch came to be. Bederech tzachus,
this reminds the older singles, who are
worried about when they will find their
shidduch, that they need not worry, because Hashem is taking care of them. The
Torah tells them, “Just go to sleep – don’t
worry and don’t disturb. Everything will
be taken care of. Hashem is working for
you, arranging your bashert from heaven.” Someone once came to the Chazon
Ish, to ask information about a bachur,
whom he was considering for his daughter. “How is his learning?” “It could be
better,” the Chazon Ish replied. “Is he a
masmid?” “It could be better.” “What
about his middos? Does he get along
nicely with people?” “It could be better.”
“And yiras shamayim… Does he have
yiras shamayim?” The Chazon Ish repeated his rephrase, “It could be better.”
The shidduch was made. The father chose
this boy for his daughter. He misunderstood what the Chazon Ish was saying.
He thought that the Chazon Ish meant
that the bachur was very good, only he
could be better. The father thought, “Well
of course he could be better. Who can’t be
better? There is always room for improvement. Even the greatest of scholars
can always improve.” The Chazon Ish
repeated this episode to his sister and concluded, “If a shidduch is destined from
heaven, nothing can stop it from happening. I know the father; he is an intelligent
man and I think it was quite clear what I
meant. But Hashem took away his sechel,
so the shidduch should go through.” In
the shtar tena’im (engagement document)
it states at the top of the document, “vayafek ratzon mei’Hashem hatov — [the
shidduch] came forth according to Hashem’s will” , to remind everyone that the
shidduch was from Hashem. Vayafek can
also mean takes out or removes. The original words of the tena’im can therefore be
translated, “Hashem removes people’s
will.” Because when people seek a shidduch they generally have a basic idea of
what they are looking for (what type of
family, goals, personality, etc.) But often,
people end up marrying someone who
doesn’t fill the criteria, at all. Somehow,
when the right one (the one destined from
heaven) comes along, people forget their
plans, and they agree to the shidduch.
This is hinted to, in the shtar tena’im,
“vayafek ratzon mei’Hashem – Hashem
took away people’s ratzon (desire) to
make the shidduch happen.