13 Jul PARSHAS CHUKAT: THE CHRONIC COMPLAINER

It might be somebody in your

family – a child, a parent, your

spouse, or a sister-in-law. It

might be a friend or neighbor.

Perhaps it’s a coworker. We all

know at least one, and most of us

know many more than one. It

might even be you. We are

talking about the chronic

complainer, the person who is always whining about

something. Our goal here is to first try to understand

them, and then proceed to figure out the best way to deal

with them – whether it’s somebody in our immediate

circle, or if it’s us. Real Problems Most chronic

complainers share certain characteristics, and it is

worthwhile to understand these characteristics so we can

have a clearer sense of what is going through the person’s

mind when he complains, which will help us respond

appropriately. First, more often than not, chronic

complainers complain about real problems. Their

complaints don’t come out of thin air. They complain

because they are truly, and justifiably, troubled by

something. It could be their finances, the weather, an

annoying family member, their health, problems with

their children, or any of the other familiar kinds of

challenges that many of us often face. Most of the time,

there is a reason why they complain. In Parashat Hukat,

we read the story of Meh Merivah, when Beneh Yisrael

complained to Moshe about the lack of water. For nearly

forty years they received water from a miraculous well

that accompanied them in the merit of Miriam, Moshe

Rabbenu’s sister. After Miriam’s death, the water

stopped flowing. The people complained bitterly to

Moshe, and G-d instructed Moshe to assemble the people

and produce water by speaking to a rock. As we know,

Moshe disobeyed G-d’s command, for which he was

punished by not being allowed to enter Eretz Yisrael. In

other situations where Beneh Yisrael complained in the

desert, they were severely punished. At the sin of the

spies, for example, after the people heard the spies’

frightening report about the Land of Israel and wept,

complaining about the land, G-d decreed that the entire

generation would perish in the wilderness. At Meh

Merivah, however, G-d did not punish the people at all,

or even express any degree of anger. The people

complained that they did not have water, and G-d

responded very simply, by instructing Moshe to produce

water. The reason is that here there was a legitimate basis

for their complaints – they did not have water. At the sin

of the spies, the people were complaining about the great

gift of Eretz Yisrael. At Meh Merivah, however, they

were complaining about a legitimate problem, that they

did not have any water. This is the first thing we need to

know about chronic complainers: most of the time, they

have a real problem which they complain about, and we

ought to acknowledge that problem. They Keep On

Going Another typical characteristic of chronic

complainers is that they don’t stop. They have a need to

complain, and so they’ll complain at all times and to

anybody who will listen. In the Torah’s account of Beneh

Yisrael’s complaint for water, it first says that they

“gathered around Moshe and Aharon,” and then that they

fought with Moshe, asking him why he took them from

Egypt to bring them to a place without water. It is unclear

who exactly the people fought with – Moshe or Aharon.

Strangely, both are mentioned in the first verse, but then

only Moshe is mentioned in the second. Why? The

answer is that the address for their complaint was Moshe,

the leader who brought them out of Egypt and who was

responsible for caring for their needs, but they complained

also to Aharon. A complainer will bring his complaints to

anybody willing to listen. It makes no difference whether

that person is in a position to help or not. They just need

a pair of ears. A certain writer once said, “Complainers

change their complaints, but they never reduce the amount

of time they complain.” Moreover, chronic complainers

generally do not realize that they always complain, and

they also fail to realize that their complaints have not

helped them. Beneh Yisrael complain numerous times

throughout their years of traveling through the wilderness,

and on many of those occasions, as we’ve mentioned, they

were severely punished. Their complaining did nothing to

improve their condition, and to the contrary, it only made

their situation worse. Nevertheless, they kept

complaining. People in the habit of complaining seem

unable to stop, oblivious to the fact that their complaints

do not help them. Empathy vs. Sympathy How, then,

should we react to the chronic complainers in our lives?

The first step is listening. We should silently listen to and

acknowledge their complaints. Listening is the most

effective form of communication. The most important

key to a happy marriage is to listen attentively to one’s

spouse. The most important key to effective parenting is

to listen attentively to one’s children when they speak.

And this is true of all relationships. If a person complains,

we should patiently listen. But then comes the second

stage, which is to ignore the complaint. Completely.

There is a critical difference between two similar English

words: empathy and sympathy. Empathy means

understanding another person, and making that person

feel he is understood. Sympathy means emotional

involvement, feeling another person’s pain as one’s own.

In the case of a chronic complainer, we need to empathize

without sympathizing. We have to listen attentively, but

then move on. The reason is not because we are

indifferent to other people’s problems, Heaven forbid, but

rather because the atmosphere created by a chronic

complainer is toxic. If we get emotionally invested in the

complaints, then we are affected and infected by this

poisonous atmosphere of negativity. I know this from

firsthand experience. There are times when I sit and listen

to somebody complaining, and an hour later I’m still in a

bad mood. If we don’t “switch it off,” then we will be

plagued by the person’s chronic negativity. The

commentators give many different theories to explain

what exactly Moshe did wrong at Meh Merivah. But the

common thread that runs through all the various

explanations is that Moshe allowed the people’s

complaining to get to him. Whether his sin was hitting

the rock instead of speaking, inappropriately chiding the

people, getting angry, or striking the rock twice instead of

once, it seems that Moshe, for the first time in forty years,

reacted emotionally to the people’s complaints. He took

the complaints personally and acted upon his emotions,

however slightly. And for somebody on his level, this

was considered a sin. When we hear chronic complainers,

we need to protect ourselves from the toxic atmosphere

they create. We should listen attentively and

empathetically, but leave our emotions out of it. Advice

for the Complainer Let us now turn our attention to what

is perhaps the most difficult question of all. What if that

complainer is us? What if we are that person who always

whines? What can we do to overcome this harmful

tendency? To answer this question, I would like to

propose a novel, earth-shattering technique to reduce

complaining. And that is, we should do one of the

following: either solve the problem, or don’t. This might

sound offensively obvious, but it really isn’t any more

complicated than that. When we find ourselves

complaining about a problem – and, as we said, most of

the times we complain, we complain about a real problem

– we should make a decision: either we decide to solve

the problem, or we decide we cannot solve the problem.

Why do we complain so much? It is the yetzer ha’ra’s

way of preventing us from being productive. Life is all

about solving problems, but solving problems is difficult

and requires effort. The yetzer ha’ra therefore lures us to

just sit and complain about our problems, which is far

easier and less demanding than actually getting up and

trying to solve them. And so if we find ourselves

complaining and poisoning the atmosphere around us, we

need to recognize this clever trick of the yetzer ha’ra and

make a concrete decision: either we solve the problem, or

we accept the problem. Problems are ether walls or doors.

Either a problem can be solved, or it can’t. When we face

any sort of problem, these are the only two possibilities,

and we need to decide one or the other. If this is a problem

which we can solve, then let’s solve it. And if it is a

problem that we cannot solve, then let us accept the fact

that life is not perfect, is not meant to be perfect, and will

never be perfect, and just move on. We cannot change the

weather, but we can dress appropriately, adjust the

thermostat, or change our plans when necessary. We

cannot dictate foreign policy, but we can recite Tehillim

each day for the Jews of Eretz Yisrael and pray for their

wellbeing. It’s that simple: we should solve what we can,

and accept what we cannot. As somebody once put it, “If

you have time to whine and complain about something

then you have the time to do something about it.” It’s the

yetzer ha’ra that leads us to complain so that the problem

will never get solved. If we have a chronic complainer in

our life – and who doesn’t? – then we should listen

respectfully to his complaints, and then move on. If we

are the chronic complainer in our life, then let’s stop

complaining and make the firm decision to change what

we can, and accept what we can’t.