20 Oct PARSHAT LECH LECHA: MY SISTER OR MY WIFE? WHAT COUPLES ARE SEARCHING FOR TODAY “TELL THEM YOU ARE MY SISTER:” THE TIMELESS LESSONS OF THE AVRAHAM-SARAH STORY

A Chassid related the
following story:
The loyalty of
Russian soldiers to
the Czar was
legendary. I once
saw a Russian
soldier being whipped. His crime? While
standing watch on a Russian winter night, his
feet had frozen to his boots.
“Had you remembered the oath you took to
serve the Czar,” his commander berated him,
“the memory would have kept you warm.”
“For 25 years,” concluded the Chassid, “this
incident inspired my service of G-d.”
A Self-Absorbed Husband?
This week’s parsha, Lech Lecha, relates how
a famine breaks out in the Land of Canaan,
and Avraham and his wife Sarah head down
south to Egypt. As they approach Egypt,
Avraham voices his fears to his wife that the
Egyptians, notorious for their immorality,
might kill him so that they may lay their
hands on the most beautiful Sarah.
“Please say that you are my sister,” Avraham
pleads with his wife, “so that they will give
me gifts for your sake and my life will be
spared.”
This is a difficult story to digest. Avraham, the
founder of Judaism, considered one of the
most spiritual humans of all time, the person
who gave the world the gift of Monotheism
and taught humanity the value of kindness,
seems to be all-consumed by the fear for his
life, and totally unconcerned with the fate of
his wife.
What is even more disturbing is Avraham’s
interest that “they give me gifts for your
sake,” while his wife would be enduring
abuse and humiliation.
No less absurd is the fact that the Torah finds
it necessary to begin the biography of the
father of the Jewish people with this episode,
as though signifying that it contained the
fundamentals of Jewish faith and practice…
Two approaches can be found among the
commentators. The Ramban (Nachmanides,
circa 1194-1270) writes that Avraham
performed indeed “a great sin, inadvertently.”
The Zohar explains (Tazria 52a), that
Avraham, who knew Sarah’s superior spiritual
quality, was certain that no harm would befall
her. He was only fearful about his own fate.
Yet, as in every story of the Torah, this
narrative contains a profound psychological
and spiritual message, articulated by the
Chassidic masters.
A Tale of Two Loves
What is the difference between the sibling

relationship and the spouse relationship? A
spouse you choose; siblings you don’t choose.
Your connection with your brothers and
sisters is natural and innate.
The bond between siblings is constant and
immutable. Whether you love your brothers
or not, he will always remain your brother;
you are eternally connected by genes, culture,
and soul connection.
Conversely, the bond with a spouse is subject
to change and fluctuation; today you are
married, but in ten years from now you may
sadly be divorced.
Yet paradoxically, the love of a sibling – even
at its best — is calm and placid; the love of a
spouse, on the other hand, is capable of
becoming fiery and passionate. Because the
love of a sibling is inborn and natural, it can
never fully die, but we also don’t get too
excited about it. It is part of who we are.
The love of a spouse is something created
anew as a result of two separate individuals
coming together at a later stage in life.
The distinctiveness, rather than the sameness,
of the two individuals linked in marriage is
what gives the relationship its intensity and
drama, feelings that cannot be found even
between close siblings. Yet this same quality

is also the reason some marriages are short-
lived. Passion can flourish, but passion can

fade away.
And when the marriage does fail, you fall
back on the innate bond that exists among
family members, who are, hopefully, always
there for you.
Tough Times
The story of Avraham and Sarah is also
allegorical.
When one is situated in the Holy Land, a term
symbolizing a psychological state of serenity
and spirituality, he is her husband and she is
his wife. They care for each other and look
out for each other in a way that only a husband
and wife can. Those are the days when you
wake up in the morning and say, “Thank you
G-d for giving me such a special person in my
life.”
But then a famine may erupt, starving your
heart and dulling your senses, you end up in
“Egypt,” which in Hebrew means
“constraints” and “limitations.” You lose your
passion for your spouse, barriers between you
are constructed, and your love becomes a
challenge.
At these moments, one must remember that
his wife is, in essence, also a sister and that
her husband is also a brother. Even if you
don’t feel the connection, you remain
connected innately; even if you
don’t experience the romance consciously,
you remain linked essentially. Because the

shared bond between a wife
and her husband is not only
the result of a created union
at a later point in their lives,
rather the spouse
relationship is innate and
intrinsic, in the words of the
Zohar, “two halves of the
same soul.”
A marriage, in the Jewish
perspective, is not only a
union of two distinct people;
it is a reunion of two souls
that were one and then,
before birth, separated. In
marriage, they are reunited.
The relationship between spouses goes
beyond feelings. We crave to always be
husbands and wives, but sometimes — for our
marriages to survive and thrive — we must
become brothers and sisters. Whether you
feel it or not, your wife is one with you,
always. Do not allow the loyalty and trust to
wane on both sides. Even if there are
arguments, difficulties, and hardships,
maintain loyalty to each other, like healthy
and functional siblings.
Avraham and Sarah taught us that when the
relationship becomes challenging, you cease
to be husband and wife; now you become
brother and sister. You fall back on the innate,
intrinsic oneness that binds you in an eternal
link.
This, in fact, brings an awesome benefit to a
husband. When you are there for your wife,
even when you’re not in the mood for it, an
extraordinary energy of love is later returned
to you. That’s why Avraham told Sarah that
by saying that she was his sister, he would not
only survive but would also receive special
gifts.
Marriages Today
We have been in “Egyptian” exile for a long
time. The above-mentioned secret has saved
many of us and our marriages during
challenging times.
But now, as we prepare to return to our eternal
homeland, we are empowered and summoned
to cultivate a new posture, one of redemptive
consciousness. When the brother and sister
can openly embrace each other as husband
and wife.
Perhaps it is what is happening now for many
couples. Yes, we have mastered the art of
intrinsic oneness. But we want something
more. We want the openhearted bliss that
comes from two people experiencing full
trust and safety with each other.
That requires the work of exposing our
vulnerabilities, pain, and fears, so we can also
discover the internal yearning for authentic

connection and attachment with our soulmate.
G-d My Sister, G-d My Wife
“A sound! My beloved knocks! Open your
heart to Me, My sister, My wife, My dove,
My twin.” In these stirring words, Shlomo
HaMelech describes the Jew both as G-d’s
spouse and as G-d’s sibling.
There are times when the Jew is situated in
the holy-land, inspired and motivated to live a
spiritual and G-dly life. Like in a good
marriage, the Jew is excited about G-d,
yearning to be close to Him and fulfilled by
having a relationship with Him.
But then come the days when you enter into a
psychological “Egypt,” where your inner
spirituality is numbed, as you are overtaken
by self-centered lusts, beastly cravings,
negative impulses, and enslaving addictions.
Your marriage with G-d seems all but dead.
The key to survival at those moments is to
remember that G-d is not only a spouse but
also a sibling. We are sacred and G-dly not
just because we feel it and we love it, but
because a person is inherently a sacred
creature, and G-dliness is intrinsic to the
human being’s very composition. Whether
I’m in the mood for it or not, when I behave in
a moral and spiritual way, I am being loyal to
my true self.
You are holy not because you feel holy, but
because you are essentially holy – this is one
of the most fundamental ideas of Judaism,
expressed in the first narrative about the first
Jew.
When the Russian winter threatens to freeze
our souls, it’s time to recall the warmth
provided by G-d as a member of the family.
It’s time to remember the intrinsic bond that
exists between you and your sibling that will
never fail
And just with our earthly marriages, we are
ready to leave Egypt, and restore the
“husband-wife” connection, in which our
relationship with Hashem fills our nervous
system with bliss and inner wholeness and
serenity.