13 Feb THE CRITICAL QUALITY OF A GIVING NATURE

Parshas Terumah is
all about generosity
and giving. This trait
translates practically
into our most important
relationships. Rav Elya
Lopian, Zt”l, introduced
a fundamental lifetime
concept: To strengthen
one’s love for another person, one should
give to that person. This act of giving fosters
more feelings of love for the individuals
one is giving to. This is actually a saying
of Chazal in Masechtas Derech Eretz
where it states “Harotze lidaveik b’ahavas
chaveiro, hevei nosei v’nosei b’tovaso – If
someone wants to generate within himself
a stronger love for another person, let him
occupy himself in doing good things for that
person.”
To the American mind, this advice sounds
very peculiar. In a culture that lives and
breathes ‘What’s in it for me,’ and, ‘When is
it my turn,’ the notion that love is all about
giving sounds difficult to comprehend.
It actually is counter intuitive! Rav Elya
therefore explains that this absolute rule of
understanding humanity is based upon the
Talmudic axiom that, “Adom korov eitzel
atzmo – A man is close to himself.” In
other words, everyone has a love affair with

themselves. We are very into the big three;
Me, Myself, and I. Therefore, when we give
repetitively to another person, they become
an extension of ourselves, and therefore we
love them as well.
The best way to illustrate the veracity of
this concept is by something amazing that
I witnessed many years ago. I attended a
bar mitzvah of a severely impaired special
needs child. The bar mitzvah boy couldn’t
say a pshetl, he was oblivious to the guests,
and was even unable to smile for the camera.
But, the parents were beaming with such
nachas and love for this child as I’ve never
witnessed before or since. At first glance,
this is perplexing in the extreme. What
was there to love? Pity and compassion,
yes. But love? But the answer is all in the
giving! These parents, over the thirteen
years of caring for this child, gave to him so
much that their love was truly ferocious and
unique. This is the true meaning of ishto
k’gufo, that one’s wife is like his own body
because; if he continuously gives to her, she
becomes an extension of himself, and vice
versa.
This is the sad reality of why in many
cases the relationship between a chossen
and a kallah starts going south after they get
married. During their courtship and their

engagement, they were ablaze with giving.
This created an atmosphere of love. After
the chupah however, they sadly change
tracks and shift into the taking mode – and
that is when the love starts to dissipate.
I hope when reading this, we take this to
heart and ask ourselves, how much effort do
I dedicate to giving to my spouse, whether it
is in the allocation of money or sometimes
even more important, the allocation of
time, attention, warmth and affection. If I
truly love my children, do I give to them?
Remember, the best presents you can give
to your children is more of your presence.
What about parents? Love for parents is not
quid pro quo. Rather it is in the expression
of giving. Do you love your shul? The
answer is not found in, “What did your shul
do for you lately,” but in the contrary, “What
have you done lately for your shul.”
And here is a final thought. Sometimes
one can attend a shul or a shiur for many
years and then we suddenly leave for
something more convenient. The rabbi or
the maggid shiur is brokenhearted. But the
attendee is unmoved. Why is that? It is
really very simple. The rabbi or the teacher
invested years of giving to this person and
is therefore very attached to him or her.
On the other hand, the participant has had

years of taking. This does not promote love
and loyalty. This is a dynamic we should
strongly consider in our relationships with
our benefactors.
May it be the will of Hashem that we merit
strengthening our trait of giving and in that
zechus we should be blessed with much
love, long life, good health, and everything
wonderful.