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    THE IMPERFECT PURSUIT OF PERFECTION

    When Moshe and Aharon are instructed to instigate the plagues, Hashem tells them: ־לֶא†ךְֵלָּתְבַּצִנְו†הָמְיַּמַה†אֵצֹי†הֵּנִה†רֶקֹּבַּב†הֹעְרַּפ†רֹאְיַה†תַפְׂש־לַע†וֹתאָרְקִל†– Go down to Pharaoh in the morning. Behold, he goes out to the water; and you shall stand by the bank of the Nile to meet him.

    Why was Pharaoh at the Nile, not in his palace? Rashi explains:

    השוע†היהש†¨ויבקנל†–†המימה†אצי†הנה†ויבקנל†ךירצ†וניאש†רמואו†הולא†ומצע†יכרצ†םש†השועו†סולינל†אצויו†םיכשמוÆ

    “Behold, he goes out to the water” — to relieve himself. He made himself out to be a G-d and he said that he had no need to relieve himself. Therefore, he woke early and he went out to the Nile and accomplished his needs secretly.

    What emerges from Rashi is that yes, Pharaoh was an idolater, a pagan, but his worship was not of a stone or a constellation. Pharaoh worshipped at the altar of perfectionism. He felt compelled to present and project himself to all of Egypt as superhuman, totally perfect, so much so that he didn’t even want anyone to know he had the basic human need to relieve himself. To conceal his “imperfection,” to hide his humanity, he left the palace to take care of his business at the Nile.

    Pharaoh is not the only one who worships at the altar of perfectionism. A study published in Psychological Bulletin shows that increasingly more and more of us are becoming intolerant with imperfection in ourselves and in others. Even those who are comfortable being imperfect are obsessed with projecting an image of a perfect life.

    What’s so bad about aspiring for perfection? Aren’t we constantly trying to improve and grow? Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist explains, “When you are constantly under a literal and figurative microscope — the microscope being social media — of course you are going to become more self-conscious. When self-consciousness and perfectionism increase, anxiety and depression increase as well. They go hand in hand.”

    She continued, “The things that kids post on Instagram and Snapchat are celebratory moments. They post moments of when they are having fun or when they are looking good. They could take hundreds of selfies before they post one on Instagram. They don’t post moments when they’re struggling, studying, or when their friends leave them out. They post pictures of themselves being happy at a party with friends or when they are on vacation looking good. People look at it, and say ‘Oh wow, their life looks so good!’” In other words, when the comparisons begin, and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurity result.

    Yes, we strive to grow, be better, improve. Yes, it is fair to demand excellence from others and to hold them accountable when they fail us. However, nothing good comes out of the pursuit of perfectionism. Dr. Greenberg concluded: “All I have seen come out of it is anxiety and depression. Perfectionism is laden with anxiety. You’re chasing after something very elusive, and of course it leads to problems, because nobody can be perfect and nobody should be perfect.”

    Dissatisfaction with an imperfect body can lead to eating disorders, disappointment with an imperfect social life can lead to depression, distress from imperfect grades can lead to anxiety. What is the antidote?

    While we should continue our culture of ambition, aspiration and high expectations, we need to also be more forthright about our imperfections, our struggles and our failures. When people feel ashamed they are imperfect, they turn to substances and self-destructive behaviors. Shame leads to insecurity which leads to despondency and depression. But shame dies in public.

    We must enable people to be vulnerable, model for our children and grandchildren that we struggle too, and that there is no shame in stumbling, struggling or having setbacks. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I feel anxious,” “I am overwhelmed,” or talking about a difficult day at work: “Today my boss embarrassed me because I got something wrong.” There is not only nothing wrong, there is something very right about being happy and secure despite or with our physical imperfections, even while we are trying to get healthy.

    One question I like to discuss with our guests on “Behind the Bima” is to ask them us about their failures, when things didn’t work out how they would have liked. When I interviewed Rabbi Lord Sacks zt”l a few years ago I asked him if he ever struggled, or did all his success and achievement come easily. He laughed and said his life has been “filled with failures.” He almost failed out of his first year in University. He spent twenty years trying to write a book, with countless false starts and an inability to get published. It wasn’t until he was 40 years old that he published his first book. Our greatest leaders, throughout our history and in our times, are imperfect. Let’s not expect or pretend otherwise. We need to study their success, but we should not be afraid to learn about their failures, and how they have overcome them, because failure, imperfection and broken moments are inevitable and inescapable.

    Our Parsha contains the mitzvah to eat matzah on Pesach. We take it for granted that we use three matzos at the seder; however, the sefer Minhagei Yisrael references a fascinating custom: In the 17th century, the practice was to have four matzos at the Seder, not three. Rav Yaakov Reischer was a dayan in Prague before being called to the rabbinate, first in Galicia, then in Worms. In his work Chok Yaakov, he mentions that the custom in his community was to bake four matzos, in order to have a spare.

    While we don’t have this custom, its origin nevertheless remains very instructive for us. Why have the fourth matzah? It was called the “matzas safek,” serving as a reserve in case one of the others broke. Part of the Seder, the order of life, is preparing for the broken pieces, the imperfect moments. A chassan and kallah stand underneath the chuppah, and the ceremony concludes with breaking a glass. It is critical that, before they even take leave of this most auspicious and special experience, they realize things will break, obstacles will be encountered, life will not be perfect, and that this is okay.

    The pursuit of perfectionism is a form of idolatry, and it is enslaving. The willingness to admit we are imperfect is freedom. The wisest of all men, Shlomo HaMelech, taught (Kohelles 7:20) ־הֶׂשֲעַי†רֶׁ֥שֲא†ץֶרָ֑אָּב†קיִּ֖דַצ†ןיֵ֥א†םָ֔דָא†יִּ֣כ׃אָֽטֱחֶי†אֹ֥לְו†בוֹ֖טּ¨†there is not one person on earth who does only good and doesn’t make mistakes. Shlomo HaMelech wasn’t perfect nor was his father Dovid. Avraham, Yitzchak, Ya’akov, Moshe, Aharon and the list goes on. They weren’t perfect, what makes you think you can be? Stop pretending you are to yourself, and stop projecting your life is perfect to others. It hurts you and it is very hurtful to others as well.

    We must not be like Pharaoh, hiding our humanity, concerned with putting forth an image of perfection. Indeed, Hashem is the one perfect being and yet, the Midrash tells us this world He created wasn’t His first. He was ארוב†ןבירחמו†תומלוע¨†He built worlds and destroyed them. Rav Soloveitchik explains that Hashem, the perfect being, projected Himself as imperfect, having had failures, to show us that it is ok to fail, to stumble, to need to do something over again.

    Rav Yisroel Salanter would intentionally spill wine on the tablecloth to ensure guests would not be overanxious or embarrassed about spilling. Our children and our friends need to see and hear us spill a little more, not inappropriately, not with pride or glorifying our mistakes, but being honest about our imperfections, making it ok to be human. We need to take away the pressure for perfection and the shame of struggling.

    ןוראב†ןיחנומ†תוחול†ירבשו†תוחול¨†the broken, shattered shards of the luchos were preserved in the Aron with the whole, complete, second set. We are only whole when we hold on to the broken moments. It is when we discard them, hide them or pretend they don’t exist that we are ourselves broken, not whole.