23 Jul THE SECRET TO A HAPPY HOME – PART ONE

In the beginning of
Shacharis, the morning
prayer, we say Adon
Olam. The Meforshim
say that this is very
appropriate since the
Gemora tells us that
Avrahom Avinu was the
first to refer to Hashem
as Adon, Our Master, and Avraham Avinu was
the one who created the prayer of Shacharis.
However, even before saying Adon Olam, we
find the prayer of Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov.
The great Maharshal, zt”l, zy”a, deleted the
first verse of Mah tovu and started only with
the second verse, [V’]ani berov chas’d’cha
avo veisecha. He explained that he omits Mah
tovu since it was said by the wicked Bilam.
When Bilam said it, he meant to curse Klal
Yisroel.
The Likutei Mahari’ach, on the other hand,
cites the Mateh Moshe. He was a great talmid
of the Maharshal and yet he states that one
should say the entire Mah tovu. The same is
true with the siddur Rav Amrom, siddur of the
Ariza”l, and the Darkei Moshe in the name of
the Kol Bo.
Today, everyone says the complete posek,
“Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov mishk’nosecha
Yisroel – How great are your tents Yaakov
and the sanctuaries of Yisroel.” The tent
refers to the relations between a husband and
a wife. And, as Bilam observed, it is one of

the beautiful ingredients of a good Jewish life.
The successful relationship between husband
and wife makes the home into a sanctuary
as it says, “Ish v’isha shalom beineihem,
Shechinah schruyah beineihem – A husband
a wife, if there is peace between them, then
the divine Presence dwells between them.”
Shlomo HaMelech says in Mishlei, “B’ritzos
Hashem darkei ish, gam oyvav yashlim ito –
When Hashem likes the ways of man, even his
enemies make peace with him.” The Medrash
in Mishlei says that the word ‘enemies’
refers to one’s wife for in the natural order of
things, a husband and a wife , a male and a
female, should be constantly at odds with each
other. They are powered by different motors.
He is interested in food and spirits; she is
occupied with dresses and jewelry. He is into
competition; she is into connection. How do
these opposing forces live harmoniously? The
posuk tells us the key: When Hashem likes
the ways of man, He grants them a divine
tranquility.
This explains the puzzling Gemora which
informs us that in Eretz Yisroel there was
a custom that after a married couple lived
together a short time, they would ask the
groom, “Motza, o motzei?” meaning, “Is she
‘motza,’ a find like in the verse, ‘Motza isha
motza tov – You find a woman, you find good,’
or is she ‘motzei,’ as in the verse, “Motzei ani
es ha’isha maar mimaves – I find a women
more bitter than death?” At first glance this is

very perplexing. What are they asking him?
Is it “Did you get a good one or did she turn
out to be a lemon?” Even if it’s true that he
got a bad deal, how could he give such an
answer? It would be pure lashon hara, evil
gossip. The truth is they are not asking him
about the woman at all! They want to know if
he is living properly, for if he is, then Hashem
will give them harmony. If not, it can be more
bitter than death.
This is the same idea behind the Gemora,
which teaches us, “Zacha na’aseh lo eizer;
lo zacha naaseh k’negdo – If he merits, she
becomes his helper. If he doesn’t, she becomes
his opponent.” It all depends if he finds favor
in the eyes of Hashem.
How does one live properly with his wife?
The Gemora in Sanhedrin [19b] teaches us
about the amazing personality, Palti ben
Layish. Dovid HaMelech was married to
Michal, the daughter of Shaul HaMelech.
Shaul opined, through a halachic technicality,
that Michal’s marriage to Dovid was void and
he married her instead to Palti ben Layish.
Palti was in a terrible halachic dilemma. He
knew that the true halacha was like Dovid
and therefore to take Michal as a wife would
be halachic adultery. On the other hand, to
desist from living with her would be mored
b’malchus, to rebel against king Shaul, which
is a sin punishable by death. So, he lived
with her in the same bedroom – but he stuck a
sword between the two beds – and was never

intimate with her. The Gemora asks, but it
says, “Vayeilech ita isha,” that her husband
walked along side of her, and the word isha has
a sexual connotation. The Gemora answers
that he treated her like a husband.
Rashi explains this with two hugely important
words, legad’lah u’lechavevah, he made her
feel important and he made her feel wanted.
These are two very important ingredients in
the key to a sweet and loving relationship.
Next week, we will discuss Ways of how to
implement these ideas.
In the z’chus of working on a harmonious
relationship, Hashem should bless us with
sweet shalom bayis, long life, good health, and
everything wonderful.
To be continued.