09 Nov VAYERA: CHOOSING OUR WORDS
Parashat Vayera begins with the famous story of the three angels who were disguised as travelers, and whom Avraham Avinu graciously welcomed. During their visit, one of the angels informed Avraham that his wife, Sarah, who was already ninety years old, would soon conceive and have a son. Sarah heard the news from inside the tent, and she laughed in disbelief, saying to herself, “Can I have a child? But my husband is old!” (18:12).
Hashem then spoke to Avraham and said, “Why did Sarah now laugh, saying, ‘Can I really give birth, when I am old?!’” (18:13).
Rashi, based on the Gemara, points out that Hashem did not quote Sarah’s reaction precisely. Sarah had wondered why she could give birth in light of the fact that Avraham was old; Hashem told Avraham that Sarah wondered how she could give birth in light of the fact that she was old.
The Gemara explains that Hashem slightly changed Sarah’s words for the sake of peace. Avraham might have been insulted hearing Sarah say that he was old, and so Hashem altered her words, changing “my husband is old” to “I am old.”
We must ask, would Avraham really have cared? Would it really bother a 100-year-old man if his wife said that he was old? Not to mention that this was Avraham Avinu, one of the most righteous men who ever lived. Would this really have upset him? And, in fact, in the previous chapter (17:17), Avraham himself asked Hashem how at 100 years old he would be able to have a child. He obviously knew that he was old!
The answer is simple, but so very important and relevant to every one of us, and to every single relationship that we have.
There are some things that we say which might not be inherently hurtful, but when they are said in a certain way, it can make the other person uncomfortable. We all have people in our lives who we know will end up saying something that makes us a little uneasy or annoyed when we talk with them. They aren’t bad people, or even insensitive people, but they just aren’t as careful as they should to avoid saying things which come across as slightly hurtful or upsetting.
This is what the Gemara is teaching us. Of course Avraham knew he was old, and of course he was not so fragile that he would become angry hearing Sarah comment about his age. But even so, hearing one’s spouse say “you are old” creates some discomfort, some tension, and this should be avoided as much as possible.
Needless to say, in the opposite direction, we should try not to be so easily offended when people say something which we find hurtful. We should give them the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t meant offensively, that the person just wasn’t as careful as he or she should have been, or the person didn’t realize that this was hurtful.
But we should try, as much as possible, to be careful and use our common sense before opening our mouths, or before clicking on “send.” If what we are thinking of saying or writing will cause unnecessary discomfort, we should put on the brakes.
As the descendants of Avraham Avinu, we are expected to be nice, to be respectful, to be polite in our dealings with other people. In today’s world, where nastiness and arguing have come to characterize our public discourse, let us lead the way by speaking kindly and respectfully to all, and choosing our words carefully so as to avoid unnecessary friction and tension.