04 Feb WAKING A PARENT

In illustrating both
the importance of
honoring our parents
and the extent to
which we must go
to honor them, the
Gemara tells a story that seems difficult
to comprehend. It is so extreme that the
choice it presents does not conform to our
sense of reality and, despite the fame of
the story, does not conform to halachah.
I. Do Not Awaken Your Parent
The Gemara (Kiddushin 31a) says that
they asked Rav Ulla how far you have
to go to honor your parents. Rav Ulla
responds with the story about Dama Ben
Nesinah, a gentile from Ashkelon. The
Sages once wanted to buy from Dama
a gem for the high priest’s breastplate
(according to the Talmud Yerushalmi,
Kiddushin 1:7 they needed the jasper
stone that represents Binyamin on the

ephod). The Sages were willing to pay
such a high price that Dama would have
realized a profit of 600,000 gold coins.
However, he needed the key to the
container in which he stored the gem. He
could not get the key without waking up
his father. Rather than disturb his father,
Dama Ben Nesinah decided to forgo this
extremely profitable sale.
This story seems to tell us that we may not
bother our parents no matter the financial
loss. But wouldn’t Nesinah be upset that

Dama did not wake him up? Tosafos Ha-
Rosh (ad loc., s.v. ve-hayah) and others

point out that they did not lose money,
just potential profit. Nevertheless, because
of Dama’s actions, Nesinah lost out on a
huge windfall. It could be that the profit
would have been only Dama’s and not
Nesinah’s. But even still, wouldn’t the
father be upset that his nap caused his
son to lose a small fortune? Most parents
want their children to succeed. Dama’s

refusal to awaken his father seems to fly
contrary to any father’s desires.
Sefer Chasidim (337) understands the story
as meaning that Dama lost the potential
profit. A son may not wake a father for
his (the son’s) financial benefit. But if a
son knows that his father would want to
be woken for a good deal that will benefit
him (the father), it is a mitzvah to wake
the father up. Similarly, you may wake
your father up to fulfill a mitzvah, like
going to synagogue. Significantly, Chayei
Adam (67:11) quotes this authoritatively.
However, this ruling assumes that Dama’s
father would have been unhappy to be
woken up for his son to make a huge
profit. What kind of a father reacts that
way?
Shitah Lo Noda Le-Mi (Kiddushin 32a)
says that the Gemara does not intend for
this example to be the rule. Really you can
wake up a parent in such a situation and
Dama went beyond the requirement.
The Gemara’s point was to show this
great example of honor, not to hold up
his specific behavior as the rule. Even
so, it seems that Dama should have
woken his father because any normal
father would be upset if his son did not
wake him up for such a great business
opportunity, whether for father or son.
II. A Troubled Father
Indeed, Rav Moshe Feinstein (Dibberos
Moshe, Kiddushin, no. 50 part 17)
feels forced to say that Nesinah was
not fully functional; he experienced
cognitive challenges that prevented
him from fully understanding complex
interactions and consequences. A fully
functional father would be terribly upset
if his sleeping caused his son to lose a
major financial opportunity. For such a
typical father, a son would be obligated
to wake him to prevent the father from
feeling so upset and hurt that he ruined
the business deal. Rather, Nesinah must
have lacked the ability to understand
the circumstances. He would have been
upset for being woken because he did
not understand the major opportunity.
Therefore, Dama — in an enormous act
of love and honor for his father — gave
up a massive profit in order to protect
his cognitively challenged father.

Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz (quoted in Rav
Avigdor Nebenzahl, Mi-Tziyon Michlol
Yofi, Gen. 37:14) suggests that Nesinah
would have taken great pride in the extent
of the honor that Dama showed him. When
Nesinah woke up and learned what Dama
had forgone in order to honor his father,
Nesinah would have acquired significant
bragging rights. That pride in his son was
worth more to Nesinah than any money.
Therefore, Dama acted properly in giving
more weight to his father’s appreciation
of honor than to money.
Rav Avigdor Nebenzahl (ibid.)
respectfully disagrees with his teacher,
Rav Shmuelevitz. Someone of great
spiritual status, like Rav Shmuelevitz,
might appreciate a son’s honor more than
a small fortune. However, most people
feel the opposite. Rather, suggests Rav
Nebenzahl, Nesinah was an extremely
selfish, narcissistic person. He cared only
about his own needs and desires, and not
even about those of his children. If his son
had woken him up for any reason, even for
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the
son, Nesinah in his selfishness would have
been angry over his interrupted sleep.
In practice, Rav Daniel Z. Feldman (Binah
Ba-Sefarim, Inyanei Kibud Av Ve-Em 6:3)
quotes a number of authorities who say
that it all depends on whether you think
your parent would want to be woken. For
example, Rav Yosef Shalom Eliyashiv
rules that if an important guest or phone
call arrives, which your parent would be
upset for missing, then you may awaken
him. But we should follow the Aruch
Ha-Shulchan (Yoreh De’ah 240:40) who
recommends that whenever possible,
someone other than a child should wake
up the parent.