18 Jul WHY GET MARRIED?

After rising for many
years, the divorce rate
in the United States
today is lower than it
was a decade ago.
But before you
celebrate, the reason is
not because of a sudden increase in
blissful marriages; it’s because fewer are
choosing to marry to begin with.
Indeed, the marriage rate today is at its
lowest level since the U.S. government
began keeping national marriage records
in 1867. Of those who do marry, 50
percent will divorce, with the average
length of marriage lasting just 8.2 years.
With those odds, it’s no surprise that
fewer and fewer young people are
subscribing to the entire institution of
marriage or seeing any significance to it.
Now to be clear, marriage is not for
everyone. Additionally, there are
individuals who sincerely want to be
married but haven’t yet found their
bashert. For legitimate reasons and due to
many factors, we aren’t necessarily always
in control of being married. However, we
don’t have to be married to cherish and
fight for and defend the institution of
marriage. As the marriage rate continues
to fall and cynicism towards marriage
continues to rise, it is important to
articulate the Jewish view of and value of
marriage so we can best understand
ourselves and advocate to others.
So, if two people love each other, isn’t
marriage just a piece of paper, an outdated
tradition, a social construct? And if
someone is happy alone, why consider
marriage at all?
Working on Yourself
Adam HaRishon was originally created
alone. An essential part of the core of a
person is to be by himself, feel comfortable
being alone, and pursuing his own
interests. But soon after, God says, “It is
not good for the Human to be alone; I will
make a fitting counterpart for him.” Alone,
man is a taker; God wants man to become
a giver, and so He creates marriage, the
need to compromise, to prioritize a
partner, and to make room for another.
Marriage forces us to grow and helps us
become better versions of ourselves.
That is why the Torah (Bereishis 2:24)
says when the time is right, “A man must
leave his father and mother and cling to
his wife, so that they become one flesh.” A
child is a receiver, focused on himself and

dependent on others. When a person
clings to a spouse and they become one,
they grow to be independent together,
they must be concerned with and
responsible to and for one another.
Marriage fosters maturity, dependability,
and trustworthiness. Rabbi Chaim Vital, a
great 16th century mystic, said: “A
person’s character traits are primarily
measured based upon how they are to
their spouse.”
Becoming Whole
The Torah teaches that on the sixth day
of creation, God fashioned one figure
comprised of man and woman, and then
He split them in two, Adam and Chava. If
Hashem is Omnipotent and Infinite, if He
knew He would ultimately create two,
why didn’t He make them that way to
begin with?
Had Hashem created Man and Woman
separate and apart, their union would have
been a case of one plus one, a collaboration
of two. Instead, He wanted us to realize
that alone, we are a half and when the time
is right, we must search for our other half,
the person who completes us so that we
can become whole. That is why the
Talmud (Yevamos 62a) comments, “Any
man who is without a wife is not a
complete man,” and continues, “One’s
wife is as one’s very own body.”
In a healthy marriage, one’s spouse is not
just a roommate or someone to divide
responsibility and chores with. Marriage
is not for convenience or comfort. A
spouse complements one’s personality,
completes one’s soul, and is the exclusive
person who combines to be one flesh.
Two of the Sheva Berachos end with the
words, “yotzeir Ha’Adam,” Creator of
man. But creation took place significantly
before marriage, so wouldn’t that beracha
be much more appropriate at a celebration
of birth? Understanding the fundamental
purpose of marriage provides the answer.
When a baby is born, we know very little
about them. A person is only truly entirely
born or fully created when they find their
other half and becomes whole. We learn
who someone is, what they value and
what kind of life they want to lead, not
when they are a newborn, but when they
are newlywed. When we see who
someone chooses to marry, we learn who
they are and who they want to be. Under
the Chuppa, “Yotzeir Ha’Adam,” a person
is fully created.
On one occasion, Rav Aryeh Levin

accompanied his wife to a
Jerusalem clinic. The physician
inquired what was wrong to
which he responded, “Doctor,
my wife’s foot is hurting us.”
Another time, Rav Aryeh Levin
was traveling in a cab and the
driver asked, “What’s your
home address?” Rav Aryeh told
him I used to have a home but
my wife passed away and now
all I have is an address.”
Countless research shows the
mental, physical and emotional
benefits of marriage. Studies show that
married couples are the happiest on the
whole, even though they are no longer
living life only on their own terms. In
contrast, half of the couples who
cohabitate break up and people who
cohabitate before marriage are more likely
to get divorced.
So in Judaism, marriage isn’t just a
tradition or a living arrangement; it is a
holy institution (this explains why it’s
called Kiddushin in Hebrew, from the root
kadosh, holy). Holy means distinguished,
separate and apart. Marriage is an
exclusive bond and commitment; it is a
unique relationship shared by husband
and wife to the exclusion of all others.
Rebbe Akiva teaches (Sotah 17a) If a
man [ish in Hebrew] and woman [isha]
establish a faithful marriage, the Divine
Presence rests between them. The Hebrew
words ish and isha are almost identical;
the difference between them is the middle
letter yud in ish, and the final letter heh in
isha. These two letters joined form the
name of God. Marriage promotes
selflessness, compromise, responsibility,
and faithfulness, all attributes that imitate
and attract the presence of the Shechina,
the Divine.
The act of marriage uniquely creates
union of complete oneness. Marriage isn’t
just a piece of paper. The mystical
unification forged through the bond of
marriage, making two halves into a whole,
creates a concretized commitment. It’s
investing oneself in the deepest, most
meaningful, and consequential way. It
means the relationship is anything but
casual; it isn’t disposable and cannot be
dissolved without consequences.
Judaism teaches that one should go into
marriage with the mentality of until death
do us part, as evidenced by Avraham’s
commitment to Sarah that lasted through

their lifetime and continued even after
Sarah’s demise. We derive the mechanism
of marriage, the giving and receiving of a
ring from husband to wife, from the way
Avraham secured a burial place for Sarah.
This source isn’t a mere coincidence; it
communicates that a healthy marriage is
built on a commitment until the very end.
We don’t leave or abandon a relationship
when the going gets tough. Marriage is
not disposable, doesn’t have scheduled
upgrades to newer versions. While
divorce is also a mitzvah and not only
legitimate at times, but fully appropriate
and correct, marriage is a cherished
commitment that should be honored until
all options and efforts have been
exhausted.
Good for Society
But marriage is not only good for
individuals to realize their potential and to
become better versions of themselves,
marriage benefits society as a whole. A
society made up of distinct individuals
living for themselves, pursuing their own
happiness and seeking to take the most out
of life, is a splintered, divided society of
those prioritizing their self-interests.
A society comprised of people who have
learned to prioritize others, to give in
addition to taking, who have entered a
meaningful and consequential covenant
and contract with each other is an elevated
society, a more noble community. The
lessons and growth inherent in marriage
improves people, yielding a better
functioning, more committed, and selfless
society and community. A society made
up of physically, emotionally and mentally
happier and healthier people is a happier
and healthier society and better for
everyone.
Marriage is not just a mitzvah, it is good
for individuals, it is a sacred and
indispensable institution that benefits all,
and it is valuing and defending.