03 Feb YITRO: BEFORE ASKING FOR ADVICE…

Parashat Yitro describes a
situation that is quite
common – a father-in-law
giving his son-in-law
unsolicited advice.
Yitro – the father of Moshe
Rabbenu’s wife, Tzippora –
observed how Moshe sat all day as the people
lined up to consult with him, specifically, to
resolve their disputes. This worried Yitro,
who warned Moshe that such an arrangement
could be harmful to Moshe. He therefore
advised Moshe to appoint judges who would
help him shoulder this burden of responsibility.
They – not him – would advise the people,
and only the more difficult questions would
come to Moshe for him to decide.
Notably, Moshe accepted Yitro’s advice and
appointed a network of judges.
Seeking advice is critically important.
Somebody who doesn’t seek advice, who
always acts upon his own thoughts and
decisions, is living in an island in his own
head. If a person thinks he’s smarter and
knows better than everyone else is, in all
likelihood, a fool.
However, we must be very careful when
seeking advice.
For one thing, we need to exercise discretion
and not allow ourselves to take advice from
everybody and anybody. Too many people
offer “drive-thru” advice, just blurting out

recommendations and suggestions without
knowing anything about us, or about the
situation. Telling someone to get married at a
young age because “the finances will work
out, don’t worry,” without knowing anything
about the person’s situation, is not necessarily
great advice. The same goes for advice about
what career to pursue, what schools to enroll
one’s children in, and so on. “Off-the-cuff”
advice given by somebody who doesn’t have
much knowledge about the person he or she is
advising should be taken with a healthy dose
of skepticism.
But there is also a more fundamental concern
when it comes to advice, one which is
developed by Rav Shlomo Wolbe, in a
fascinating passage in Aleh Shur.
Rav Wolbe laments the practice that many
people have to immediately turn to a friend
whenever they encounter any sort of question,
whenever they are uncertain about how to
proceed. This habit, Rav Wolbe writes,
prevents a person from becoming wise. The
proper approach is to first analyze both sides
of the question, weigh the pros and cons of
each option, and then reach a decision.
Afterward, one should bring his question, and
his decision, to his fellow to receive his
advice. If a person never develops the skill of
decision-making, of reaching his own
conclusions, then he will never live an
authentic life. He will instead be living the life

that other people tell him to live, without
actualizing his unique potential and being the
unique person that he’s supposed to be.
Significantly, Yitro began his advice to Moshe
by telling him the following:
You shall warn them of the statutes and the
laws, and you shall inform them of the path
they should follow, and the actions that they
should perform. (18:20)
Yitro was concerned not only about Moshe’s
wellbeing, but also about the nation asking
him for too much advice. He was worried
about Moshe working too hard – but also that
the people were coming to him right away
with their problems, without first trying to
work it out themselves. Therefore, his advice
to Moshe was not only to appoint others to
assist him – but also to instruct the people, to
impart to them knowledge and wisdom, to
explain to them how Hashem wants us to live
our lives. This will encourage them to first
look for the answers themselves before
seeking advice.
As we mentioned earlier, it is vitally important
to get advice, to be open-minded, to recognize
that we don’t have all the answers, and that
we can often benefit from other people’s
experience and perspectives. At the same
time, however, we need to be careful not to
outsource our lives, not to leave all our
decisions in the hands of people who don’t
really know us and what we’re going through.

In a famous pasuk in the Book of Mishleh
(19:21), King Shlomo teaches, “There are
many thoughts in a man’s heart, but it is the
counsel of G-d that will prevail.” The common
understanding of this pasuk is that as much as
we plan and strive to do certain things,
ultimately, it is the will of Hashem that
materializes. Rav Wolbe, however, offers a
deeper explanation of this pasuk. He explains
that we have many “thoughts,” many different
ideas, questions about whether we should do
X or Y. But more often than not, we know
what atzas Hashem is, what it is that Hashem
wants of us. When we sort through the various
the many different thoughts and ideas, it is not
difficult to determine atzas Hashem, the right
decision to make, the right thing to do.
Very often, when we face some uncertainty,
we actually know the answer. It’s just a matter
of being honest with ourselves and recognizing
what Hashem wants of us.
As important as it is to be open to advice – it
is no less important to know when we don’t
need advice, and when we need instead to
listen to the atzas Hashem, to have the strength
and conviction to do what we know we should
do.