18 Apr YOUNGER SIBLING MARRYING FIRST

Is a woman allowed
to marry before
her older sister?
This opens many
emotional issues,
as the anxiety over
marriage grows as
a single person ages. Perhaps the
younger sister should wait in order
to avoid causing her sibling pain. On
the other hand, if the older sister takes
too long, the younger sister will suffer
without any control over he future.
What do tradition and halachah say
about this?
I. Lavan’s Custom
Ya’akov worked seven years for
the hand of Rachel. However, Lavan
tricked him into marrying Leah,
explaining afterward, “It is not so
done in our place, to give the younger
before the first-born” (Gen. 29:26).
But should Lavan’s practice serve
as the basis for a Jewish custom?
Since Ya’akov knew that Rachel
was younger and still planned on
marrying her despite Leah’s singlehood, should that serve as proof that
a younger sister may marry first?
Rabbeinu Tam (Tosafos, Kiddushin
52a s.v. ve-hilchesa) was asked the
following question: A man gave
a ring in marriage to a father on
behalf of his daughter but did not
specify which daughter. To which
sister is he married? Rabbeinu Tam
says that if there was any indication
which daughter the groom preferred,
or which the father desires to
marry the man, that decides the
question. However, even without
any indication, we can assume that
the father wanted to give the older
daughter because “It is not so done in
our place, to give the younger before
the first-born.”
R. Menachem of Joigny, Rabbeinu
Tam’s bold student and possibly
the grandfather of these two
women,1objects to the conclusion
that the oldest daughter is married to
the man. Rather, he argues that this is
a case of a man marrying two sisters
at the same time. According to Rava
neither are married and according to
Abaye both need a divorce. Rabbeinu
Tam conceded that his student was
correct.
However, despite Rabbeinu Tam’s
reversal, the Tur and Shulchan
Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 244:13) rule
that regarding marriage, age takes
precedence. The Bach and Shach (ad
loc., 13) explain this as meaning
that when siblings need to marry, the
older one goes first. In other words,
a younger brother or sister must wait
for their older sibling to marry before
marrying as a matter of respect.
II. When to Wait
The She’arim Metzuyanim BaHalachah (145:39) quotes the
Maharsham (Responsa, vol. 3 no.
136) as saying that this is merely
a matter of proper conduct (derech
eretz) and not law. It is proper to
allow an older sibling to marry first.
However, when there is a real
personal need, we can set this aside
because it is not halachah. Indeed,
while an older sibling might resent
a younger sibling who marries
first, after a few years the hurt
feelings might be strengthened on
the other side. A younger sibling
who has to wait quietly for years
as friends marry, unable to proceed
because of an older sibling’s
challenges, may grow resentful as
well. Because this is not law, it can
be set aside to avoid pain .
Rav Yehoshua Leib Graubart
(Chavalim Ba-Ne’imim, vol. 3 no.
78) goes further. He explains that
this rule is the baseline practice
for a parent marrying off children
without preference — start with the
oldest. Similarly, if a suitor arrives
at the door and wants to marry
one of the sisters, the older has
the first right of refusal. Likewise
if a woman wants to marry into a
family of two sons, the older son
takes precedence. But if a suitable
mate is found for the younger
sibling faster, there is no need to
wait for the older before marrying
because marriage is a mitzvah.
If you have the opportunity to fulfill
a mitzvah, you do not forgo that
opportunity because someone else
may feel bad about it. Your mitzvah
takes priority. A man is obligated to
marry as part of the fulfillment of the
obligation to be fruitful and multiply.
If he can do that, he must regardless
of his older sibling’s feelings. Even
though a woman is not obligated to
procreate for technical reasons, she
still fulfills a mitzvah when marrying
(and when giving birth). Therefore,
her mitzvah takes priority over her
sister’s hurt feelings.
Rav Moshe Feinstein (Iggeros
Moshe, Even Ha-Ezer vol. 2 no. 1)
takes this in a different direction,
although for similar considerations.
Because a person with the opportunity
to perform a mitzvah must not delay,
the rule we are discussing must
address a case of conflicting mitzvos.
Rav Feinstein suggests that
the Bach and Shach mean that
when two siblings are engaged,
the older should marry first out of
respect. There are two weddings,
two mitzvos, and one has to go first.
Let the older sibling go first. But if
only one or neither are engaged, then
order does not matter. Whoever can
get married, should do so regardless
of anyone else’s feelings.