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    YOUNGER SIBLING MARRYING FIRST

    Is a woman allowed
    to marry before
    her older sister?
    This opens many
    emotional issues,
    as the anxiety over
    marriage grows as
    a single person ages. Perhaps the
    younger sister should wait in order
    to avoid causing her sibling pain. On
    the other hand, if the older sister takes
    too long, the younger sister will suffer
    without any control over he future.
    What do tradition and halachah say
    about this?
    I. Lavan’s Custom
    Ya’akov worked seven years for
    the hand of Rachel. However, Lavan
    tricked him into marrying Leah,
    explaining afterward, “It is not so
    done in our place, to give the younger
    before the first-born” (Gen. 29:26).
    But should Lavan’s practice serve
    as the basis for a Jewish custom?
    Since Ya’akov knew that Rachel
    was younger and still planned on
    marrying her despite Leah’s singlehood, should that serve as proof that
    a younger sister may marry first?
    Rabbeinu Tam (Tosafos, Kiddushin
    52a s.v. ve-hilchesa) was asked the
    following question: A man gave
    a ring in marriage to a father on
    behalf of his daughter but did not
    specify which daughter. To which
    sister is he married? Rabbeinu Tam
    says that if there was any indication
    which daughter the groom preferred,
    or which the father desires to
    marry the man, that decides the
    question. However, even without
    any indication, we can assume that
    the father wanted to give the older
    daughter because “It is not so done in
    our place, to give the younger before
    the first-born.”
    R. Menachem of Joigny, Rabbeinu
    Tam’s bold student and possibly
    the grandfather of these two
    women,1objects to the conclusion
    that the oldest daughter is married to
    the man. Rather, he argues that this is
    a case of a man marrying two sisters
    at the same time. According to Rava
    neither are married and according to
    Abaye both need a divorce. Rabbeinu
    Tam conceded that his student was
    correct.
    However, despite Rabbeinu Tam’s
    reversal, the Tur and Shulchan
    Aruch (Yoreh De’ah 244:13) rule
    that regarding marriage, age takes
    precedence. The Bach and Shach (ad
    loc., 13) explain this as meaning
    that when siblings need to marry, the
    older one goes first. In other words,
    a younger brother or sister must wait
    for their older sibling to marry before
    marrying as a matter of respect.
    II. When to Wait
    The She’arim Metzuyanim BaHalachah (145:39) quotes the
    Maharsham (Responsa, vol. 3 no.
    136) as saying that this is merely
    a matter of proper conduct (derech
    eretz) and not law. It is proper to
    allow an older sibling to marry first.
    However, when there is a real
    personal need, we can set this aside
    because it is not halachah. Indeed,
    while an older sibling might resent
    a younger sibling who marries
    first, after a few years the hurt
    feelings might be strengthened on
    the other side. A younger sibling
    who has to wait quietly for years
    as friends marry, unable to proceed
    because of an older sibling’s
    challenges, may grow resentful as
    well. Because this is not law, it can
    be set aside to avoid pain .
    Rav Yehoshua Leib Graubart
    (Chavalim Ba-Ne’imim, vol. 3 no.
    78) goes further. He explains that
    this rule is the baseline practice
    for a parent marrying off children
    without preference — start with the
    oldest. Similarly, if a suitor arrives
    at the door and wants to marry
    one of the sisters, the older has
    the first right of refusal. Likewise
    if a woman wants to marry into a
    family of two sons, the older son
    takes precedence. But if a suitable
    mate is found for the younger
    sibling faster, there is no need to
    wait for the older before marrying
    because marriage is a mitzvah.
    If you have the opportunity to fulfill
    a mitzvah, you do not forgo that
    opportunity because someone else
    may feel bad about it. Your mitzvah
    takes priority. A man is obligated to
    marry as part of the fulfillment of the
    obligation to be fruitful and multiply.
    If he can do that, he must regardless
    of his older sibling’s feelings. Even
    though a woman is not obligated to
    procreate for technical reasons, she
    still fulfills a mitzvah when marrying
    (and when giving birth). Therefore,
    her mitzvah takes priority over her
    sister’s hurt feelings.
    Rav Moshe Feinstein (Iggeros
    Moshe, Even Ha-Ezer vol. 2 no. 1)
    takes this in a different direction,
    although for similar considerations.
    Because a person with the opportunity
    to perform a mitzvah must not delay,
    the rule we are discussing must
    address a case of conflicting mitzvos.
    Rav Feinstein suggests that
    the Bach and Shach mean that
    when two siblings are engaged,
    the older should marry first out of
    respect. There are two weddings,
    two mitzvos, and one has to go first.
    Let the older sibling go first. But if
    only one or neither are engaged, then
    order does not matter. Whoever can
    get married, should do so regardless
    of anyone else’s feelings.